Saturday, August 7, 2010

Saying Goodbye and Moving Forward--UPDATED

I find it so funny that as soon as I have an emotional response to my IF journey, I immediately run to my computer to blog about it. Actually, I am not sure if it is funny or sad, but either way I am so glad to have you in my life. A. and I are heading out to Denver tomorrow early morning and we have friends coming for a BBQ tonight so we are both prepping for tonight and tomorrow. I decided that when I return from Denver, I do not want any reminders of this pregnancy. I want/need a clean slate. A place to move forward from. It is like I have been frozen in time since it happened.

I haven't changed anything. My bathroom was frozen in time (of course, I have cleaned it, just not tidied it).

The pee sticks were exactly where I had left them as well as all the miscarriage supplies (different size maxi pads, pain meds, etc.). They were constant reminders and also a bit comforting as well. Almost like a sign that reads, "remember me, I was here". But, it is quite painful to get caught off guard and have the reminders. A. and I agreed that it was time to get rid of the sticks. I was ok picking them up, walking downstairs to the garbage and then I froze. I must have clenched the sticks and stared at them for a good five minutes at least. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go. A. kept telling me it was alright if I kept them, but I didn't want to. This was one of the more difficult things I have done. Saying goodbye. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I was hoping that this would not be the last time I would see those two beautiful lines again.

A. was extremely supportive, but so optimistic at the same time. I wish I could be optimistic right now. What if I never see those lines again? I finally gathered the strength and tossed (rather violently) the sticks in the garbage and then cried as A. hugged me. I think this was the first time we "cried" (ok me, but we were together) over this miscarriage together. We have come a long way in our relationship from a few months ago. We are stronger for the difficult times, but are so fucking ready to move onto the next stage.

The expecting stage.


Warning TMI ahead:
On a completely separate note, my AF is here with a vengeance. Maybe it is much heavier after a miscarriage, I don't know. Will it be a problem if I am still bleeding on Monday for the hysteroscopy? It will be day 8 then. Normally, I have a very light flow and it only lasts a couple of days (3 max) so this is new territory for me.

UPDATED: I just had to post a picture of the ice cream party we had for dessert (I made vanilla bean and milk chocolate). I think my friend went a little nuts with the topping selections. Enjoy!


  1. I still haven't been able to bring myself to get rid of the positive sticks from either of my pregnancies. It took so long to get them, you know? I will probably hold onto them for a while yet, but I'm proud of you for being able to identify what you need to be able to start to move forward.

    AF was a LOT heavier after my miscarriage(s). Unfortunately, it's also been more painful (cramps, etc) than it was before. I had my hysteroscopy about three weeks after my miscarriage, so I had stopped bleeding. Call your RE if you're worried about it -- it may make a difference.


  2. Hey R...I still have my ultrasound photo from m/c baby #2. But you've crossed a very important threshold...healing can begin. Real healing. I PROMISE you it will get'll never forget...but the sting starts to feel less painful. I am so glad to read that you and A have grown from your latest kick in the teeth. I hope your cry was "cathartic" and that you can truly move on starting today. If not...don't worry you will.

    Also, my periods after both m/c were MURDER!! Lots of bleeding, horrific cramps at the beginning and like 2-3 days longer than usual. This is normal...unfortunately. I found the first AF after both m/c's to be worse than the m/c pain?! But you've got another 36 hours until the hysteroscopy. I doubt it will present a problem if you are still bleeding.

    Like A, I am so optimistic for your next FET. A blighted ovum, in my books, is a chromosomal issue so I think you were just handed some SHIT luck AGAIN. I really think the next one is the one...I really, really do. It might not be easy again to get that lining to cooperate but it will just like it did before.

    Have a GREAT BBQ tonight...enjoy!!

  3. It sounds like throwing away those sticks was a much needed catharsis to help you move forward. And I'm sure that having a good cry with A was also much needed.

    I'm sorry you are having such a difficult AF and I hope it will be over soon. I can't imagine it would still be going on Monday for your hysteroscopy.

    See you soon!!

  4. it is SO hard to do what you did, and i don't mean just the physical act of throwing away pee sticks. i think making the decision that you need to move on is much more difficult than actually removing the reminders.
    here's to moving on with a heavy but hopeful heart, my friend.
    wishing you a safe trip and that AF leaves soon!

  5. So glad you and A could grieve together. That is a major step forward. I don't ever do sticks anymore, because you could get all excited that you are pregnant and then find out that your numbers suck and it won't work out. The constant highs and lows are just mentally draining.

    On that note, my periods too have been a lot lighter and I am not sure what that means. This last one was one heavy day and that was about it. Of course, I like less blood, but not sure why things have changed. My FSH and AMH were good, but all the stress of what has happened totally sucked.


  6. I'm so sorry that was so difficult for you. I'm also glad you are grieving together. You suffered a tremendous loss together.

    I am very hopeful for your next FET.... :)

  7. {{{R.}}}, sending healing thoughts your way.


  8. Wow, the ice cream party looks soooo yummy! Wish I could post a pic here of the blueberry rhubarb crisp I made today, so we could enjoy a full-on orgy o' sweetness. I'll put it up chez moi soon.

  9. First of all - wow! That is some serious ice cream and toppings! I got a sugar rush just looking at the picture! YUM!

    Safe travels to Denver, I hope everything goes smoothly. Good for you and A to cleanse together, you should both be very proud of the growth together over the last few months. A big step. I'm not sure on the AF question, but am hoping for you it all goes ok.

  10. OMG...that picture does not help me right now?!!

  11. I still have the sticks from my m/c. You're much stronger than I am! So glad you and A. could grieve together. Safe travels to Denver.

    That ice cream party looks amazing!!

  12. My heart went out to you when I read this post, R. It just sounded like it was very painful to let go of the pregnancy (symbolized in the poas). I am so glad you were able to do it, and invite your husband into your sorrow so that you could support each other. I am sending so many healing, fertile thoughts your way.

    And, I must concur, the ice cream extravaganza looked fantastic! Yum!