I find it so funny that as soon as I have an emotional response to my IF journey, I immediately run to my computer to blog about it. Actually, I am not sure if it is funny or sad, but either way I am so glad to have you in my life. A. and I are heading out to Denver tomorrow early morning and we have friends coming for a BBQ tonight so we are both prepping for tonight and tomorrow. I decided that when I return from Denver, I do not want any reminders of this pregnancy. I want/need a clean slate. A place to move forward from. It is like I have been frozen in time since it happened.
I haven't changed anything. My bathroom was frozen in time (of course, I have cleaned it, just not tidied it).
The pee sticks were exactly where I had left them as well as all the miscarriage supplies (different size maxi pads, pain meds, etc.). They were constant reminders and also a bit comforting as well. Almost like a sign that reads, "remember me, I was here". But, it is quite painful to get caught off guard and have the reminders. A. and I agreed that it was time to get rid of the sticks. I was ok picking them up, walking downstairs to the garbage and then I froze. I must have clenched the sticks and stared at them for a good five minutes at least. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go. A. kept telling me it was alright if I kept them, but I didn't want to. This was one of the more difficult things I have done. Saying goodbye. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I was hoping that this would not be the last time I would see those two beautiful lines again.
A. was extremely supportive, but so optimistic at the same time. I wish I could be optimistic right now. What if I never see those lines again? I finally gathered the strength and tossed (rather violently) the sticks in the garbage and then cried as A. hugged me. I think this was the first time we "cried" (ok me, but we were together) over this miscarriage together. We have come a long way in our relationship from a few months ago. We are stronger for the difficult times, but are so fucking ready to move onto the next stage.
The expecting stage.
Warning TMI ahead: On a completely separate note, my AF is here with a vengeance. Maybe it is much heavier after a miscarriage, I don't know. Will it be a problem if I am still bleeding on Monday for the hysteroscopy? It will be day 8 then. Normally, I have a very light flow and it only lasts a couple of days (3 max) so this is new territory for me.
UPDATED: I just had to post a picture of the ice cream party we had for dessert (I made vanilla bean and milk chocolate). I think my friend went a little nuts with the topping selections. Enjoy!