I forgot how exhausting work can be. It is really hard (and nice) starting at a new school, but with new comes questions. "Do you have any kids?" must have been asked a hundred times already and I haven't met the full staff yet. UGH. Otherwise, things seem to be going really well, I am keeping myself very busy in preparing for the start of school.

This year is going to be different. Last year, I was angry. I am still angry, but I am not going to let it define me. I have things going on to take my mind off my TTC. I forgot how good having a life is.

I hope this year brings us all what we most desire.

-R.

Just One?

A very good friend of mine also suffers from Infertility. Actually, two years ago, I thought she was the worst case scenario (I have now far surpassed her). She was able to conceive a son through IVF and he will be two years old in December. Her journey to motherhood wasn't easy. It was filled with BFNs, two miscarriages, two IVFs, uterine bleeding which started at twenty three weeks, a six week hospital bed rest stay and finally birth at twenty eight weeks. Her son is healthy. Tonight as we were talking it came out that she has never done an FET. I know that she has some embryos frozen from her son's cycle.

I keep thinking about my ideal family; it would consist of three children (two girls and a boy - same as how I grew up). My plan (oh I wish I could make plans) would be to have the children two years apart. In my circle of friends, that seems to be the common spacing. So I now I am thinking about my friend, why hasn't she done an FET yet?

Is it possible that I am so focused on the one cycle, that I am unaware how much stress I am under? That maybe my view of motherhood and the ideal family is altered because I haven't reached a goal of becoming a mother, but once that happens I will be content and fulfilled with one child? I honestly can't think about how I would feel having only one child when right now I am struggling to have one.

The scars of Infertility run deep. It may just be that once the dream is finally achieved, I may learn that my ideal family is finally formed.

-R>

TV

The Emmys are one of my favourite nights of TV. Probably because I watch almost every show. I have always been addicted to TV, but once the IF depression hit and I didn't feel like socializing with the world, I relied more and more on television. I have my go to shows that always make me forget my problems and then some new ones that I have recently just thrown into the mix, but overall, I will watch just about anything.

TV is my escape. It is the way I turn my brain (and heart) off from obsessing over my inability to get and stay pregnant. I shudder to think where I would be emotionally without it. So tonight, as I watch the Emmys, I am thankful for TV and the role it is played in my life.

-R.

All the Single Ladies...

A. is away on a boys' weekend camping trip. Technically, it is camping since they sleep in tents, but since they bring their espresso machine and deep fryer (yes you read right), I don't exactly consider it camping. So I have a weekend to myself. I spent the morning getting pretty (waxed and pedicured), did a little school work (I have SO much work), got together with a friend in the afternoon and tonight will have a girl's night with the other wives who also have been abandoned by their husbands on said trip. I am really looking forward to having a fun night out. I really could use some distractions now. (Two of the women are mothers, so help me if they spend the entire night talking about their kids!)

- R.

Dream

Last night I dreamt that I had a big belly that housed two beautiful girls. They were suddenly taken away and I couldn't let go. The tears were streaming down my cheeks, while I slept.

-R.

Getting the Wind Knocked Out...

I haven't seen my sister in a couple of weeks.

She has a nice round belly.

Holy shit, it was hard to see.

-R.

Compliment

I went in to school today to get my classroom set-up and meet my team. I had the best compliment I have ever received. One student was contemplating returning to the school, but when he heard that I was going to be there, he instantly changed his mind to stay. He told his parents (who told the school) that I was the best teacher he ever had. Oy, so sweet. This totally made my day.

-R.

I'm in a lull right now. Nothing is really going on with me IF wise and I hate that. Today is CD23 so I still have around a week until AF arrives even though I have had some cramping over the last couple of days. UGH. I hate this time. I always feel like I am the last kid to be picked up at the party. I am so happy that so many of you are in the next phase of the journey, but it just reminds me that I am not. I guess I'm having a pity party. Sorry.

-R.

Getting Excited

I had a work meeting today. It felt so good and overwhelming to get back into the swing of the things. It looks like I am going to have a lot on my plate this year professionally, but I am welcoming it. Bring.It.On. Last year I was dreading going back to work. I was resentful that I was going to complete the school year (I will again), but this year, I am in a better place. I really don't know how or why, but I am. I hope this year brings good things both professionally and personally.

-R.

Strength

I didn't get a chance to write yesterday and there is so much to say...

I had two roommates in university, one from Boston and one from Bermuda; we have remained close friends and have seen each other a handful of times since (mostly at our weddings). The one from Bermuda came for a visit on Saturday and spent the night, she had her one year old daughter with her. I thought about not having her stay with me because of the pain and sadness it would bring to me, but only seeing this friend once a year if that, I decided it was more important see her. I cannot even think of words that would explain how difficult it is when the first infant/child to sleep in your house is not your own.

When she first arrived, it was difficult. Her daughter is beautiful and she is such a sweet mom with her. My friend had an easy pregnancy. No morning sickness, no terrifying blood or ultra sound reports and no excessive weight gain (only 17 pounds). Three weeks before her due date, she went to the doctor because of severe leg pain, her OBGYN decided that she needed to get the baby out and she had an emergency c-section.

The baby was born with severe health problems. Her internal organs were a mess and she needed immediate surgery. Dad and new baby were sent via air ambulance to the Halifax children's hospital where she underwent the first of five surgeries. It is a miracle that the baby survived and is still here today. She is by no means "fixed" but doctors are optimistic that she will eventually lead a normal life. Thank God.

Her daughter was ill when she arrived so we decided to be cautious and took her to the ER. After a few short hours, we were sent home with instructions for what to look for and the baby girl seemed to be doing much better. While in the hospital we had a lot time to catch up and really talk (our communications are mostly messages back and forth on BBM so it was nice to have a conversation). I explained to her the struggles of my IF while she explained the struggles of being a new mom to a special needs child. There were many aspects that were similar. It was almost as if we bonded over situations.

Infertility is heartbreaking, but it is no where near as devastating as a sick child. BUT, the way we deal with these situations is similar. Her and her husband are having a tough time. The stress of the situation is becoming too much for them. I shared with her my miscarriage story and the toll it took on my marriage. No one except my mom, really knew a lot about my problems with A. so it felt good for me to share with someone. I also shared how we got past the darkness. My friend has kept her daughter's condition private. Only a handful of people know the specific details, while the rest think she has a digestive problem. As such, it was reassuring for her to hear about my marriage turmoil as it was similar to what she was experiencing.

People admire the strength of my friend. As she says, what choice does she have? This is the same I say about my situation. If I want to keep fighting the IF fight, I need to just push forward. Like her, I research my options, try to make the best decisions I can at the time and then put one foot in front of the other and take the leap. It is not strength, it is what it is. I know my friend's daughter has a long road to recovery, but she is lucky that her mom is the best and will do everything in her power to make sure she has a happy childhood and access to the best medical care to help her.

My friend is now back in Bermuda and her daughter is feeling much better. In the end, I am glad that I was able to spend some quality time with her and her daughter.

-R.

Sad

I spent the afternoon with a girl friend. She is pregnant with her third, this is her second time lapping me. We were at the mall where she dragged me into a fucking maternity store for over thirty minutes. It was just so hard. I tried to leave, but couldn't. I just kept picturing how cute I would have looked by now. I'm just sad.

-R.

Ideas Please

I am the programming chair for a local woman's charity and am in need of some awesome ideas from my ladies. This marks my third year int he role and as such I want to expand my portfolio. To date, my big event of the year has been International Women's Day, but I would like to add some small events as well. This is where you come in. If you have ever participated or heard of an amazing event or even think something up yourself that is tailored for women, I want to hear about it. Thanks!

-R.

Reflecting

I can't believe that summer vacation is winding down. Next week I start getting my classroom organized and begin to prepare for the dream job. I"m excited. I have been off work for awhile and I really feel that I am ready to get back to work. Don't get me wrong, I am not wishing the next couple of weeks away, but I am ready.

This summer was supposed to be different. I should have been pregnant and enjoying every minute. I had pictured my summer so differently back in the spring.

Instead, this summer was a time for healing. My body needed to heal after the miscarriage (it is finally starting to do that now that all the trauma is over with), my marriage needed to heal after the miscarriage and years of stressful IF stuff and I needed to heal (I am still working on that one).

I have really taken time this summer to find myself again. I have rediscovered old passions like cooking and am trying to be good to myself. I sleep in (something I never do) and spend my days just relaxing. This has been wonderful medicine for me. I feel like everyday brings me one step closer to healing.

I still have moments. They are becoming few and father between, but they are there. This past week, was filled with moments. There were tears, frustration and pain. Oh the pain. But in all the darkness, a small light emerged. A. was there, holding my hand. Supporting me and loving me.

I don't want this FET to be delayed. I still haven't heard the verdict on that one, but whenever it happens I know that A. and I will be there together.

-R.

ETA: I just got an email back from the nurse, I'm not delayed at all. I start FET prep with this AF, yippeeeeeee.

I Caved

I gave in and emailed the nurse yesterday. We all knew I was going to because you're right; it is in my best intrest. If this is going to be my last shot with my ute' I want the best odds. I will say that I am no longer worried about my overly thin lining as it doesn't seem to matter. That fetal tissue just didn't want to leave, hopefully that's a good sign. Now the next wait begins, the wait for the verdict. Let's see what this means!

-R.

ETA: HCG came back negative today! Still no word on how the tissue will affect my FET.

What Would You Do?

Local RE called this morning, it wasn't a blood clot after all. It was tissue. Oh shit. It's gone now, but what should I do?

I don't want to tell CCRM, they will just make me wait longer, but what if there is a reason to tell? The RE didn't think it was a big deal. She is glad that it is gone now, and recommended an ultrasound with my next period just to be sure, but that would be done anyway. Originally I was told 60 days from the time the tissue was gone before getting pregnant. Well 60 days takes me to Sept. 10th, I don't want to wait anymore. I am sick of it. Besides, the earliest I could possibly see myself getting in for an FET would be end of September, so really is there a point to telling?

-R.

PS- Bad stuff has got to stop happening to me, I have been written about on LFCA too many times in the past two months! It is time for some good news.

IVFC

This morning I was shocked to see that IVFC is closing down. Yes, its moving to a different domain, but it will not be the same. For over a year now, I have spent many (too many if you ask A.) hours on this site. It was this site that has connected me to most of you.

When I first logged on, I was quite inexperienced about the online world open to us IFers. I joined a few different cycling threads, but I was the one left with the BFN while the others went on.

Then I joined the Dec/Jan thread and everything changed. This is where I met most of you. It is because of you that I have his strength you all tell me I have. I never would have been able to keep fighting and continually pick myself up off the floor after each fall-and there have been many.

It was also what introduced me to the world of blogging. A place where I have gained more than just information and casual acquaintenances, but real friendships that extend past the Internet.

I admit, I shed some tears today. I can't believe how far we have all come. How far I have come. I really hope that our new home will continue to be a safe haven and that we still have that outlet to keep in touch.

I will forever be grateful to have been a part of IVFC.

Our next chapter begins and I hope you follow me over to www.dotivf.com

Thank you IVFC.

-R.

Don't Tell Me To Just Relax!

I am starting my day with this. I literally am so mad, I could scream. I hate the just relax and it will happen speech.

I was relaxed when I first started TTCing four years ago. I was 27 fucking years old and had no ideas of the cruel world of IF.

I was relaxed when I met my local RE for the first time. (Ok, the testing scared the shit out of me, but the actual appointment I was pretty relaxed).

I was relaxed when I did 'timed intercourse' after one round of Clomid and Pur.egon injections helped me get one itty bitty follicle (I thought that was amazing).

I was relaxed after my first IUI when my RE was so overly confident it would work that I smiled all the way home.

I was relaxed after my first IVF retrieval when the RE and nursing staff sang me happy birthday (even though I was totally hopped up on drugs and still in major pain because they didn't kick in on time).

I was relaxed after my phone consult with CCRM where I was told that I had a good chance of conceiving with my eggs.

I was relaxed on the transfer table of my donor egg cycle.

I am no longer relaxed. Relaxing did not accomplish anything for me. Infertility is a disease. Geez, what does an IF gal need to do to get recognized?

-R.

Cottage Country

Ask and you shall receive...this is for Lis, who asked what it is like. The short answer is no, the other Lisa and I are nowhere near each other geographically.

First, this is what cottage country means. There are so many different areas in Ontario, and they are all uniquely different. For example, when A. and I went here, we were surrounded by Lake Muskoka. This is an area typically filled with cottages on the lake where boating/water activities and picturesque views are the main attraction. I would not say that it is a four season type of area as there is not much to do in the winter months, however it is beautiful to snow shoe, look outside while sitting next to a roaring fire or just get away from the big city life. My parents have a place in Collingwood, which is part of Southern Georgian Bay. The area is very much a four season destination as aside from the bay, there is downhill skiing and other winter attractions.

Our place is not your typical cottage. It is a townhouse unit in a larger resort-like community. It is amazing actually how much the town has grown in the past ten years. I remember when we first started coming here, it was like a deserted town. There were three restaurants (chains) and very little to do. A large corporation bought out the big ski resort mountain and since, the town has grown. Within a ten minute drive of our place, we can go to the resort to walk around, or eat or ski and feel like we are on a vacation far away. It is really awesome.

When we are here in the summer we really don't do much. We spend a lot of time just relaxing. This could be going for a bike ride or a walk, sitting by the pool or shopping/browsing at the many antique stores (the men usually golf). We eat in a lot and tend to BBQ in the nicer weather. When we do go out, we try and hit "the village" as it is a great place to hang out. There is always something going on there.

So that is it really, a short introduction to cottage country. If you are ever in the area, let me know, I would love to give you the proper tour!

On the Mend

Yesterday was rough, today is better. I am in cottage country with my mom and A., my dad and grandmother will join us for the weekend. The weather is beautiful and it is peaceful, what better way to recover.

The hysteroscopy and re-group was a little fuzzy, but what I do remember is the new plan. How many plans have I been through already? So here it is. I am going to start taking vitamin 3 400iu a day and trental (a drug that increases blood flow - experimental for IF use) now. I will continue these medications until I start progesterone. Once my period starts (in a month or so) I will then go back to a standard FET protocol with patches, estrace, viagara and baby aspirin. I will also continue with the electro-acupuncture.

I am happy that I have a plan in place. The dr. thinks I can transfer in October so I am hoping for that. Let's hope there are no more hurdles between now and then!

-R.

PAINFUL

I was feeling ok going into today's appointment with the dr. I mean, it was just a consult to see when I could get the D&C done, or so I thought. She told me that I should have opted to have the procedure done in the US as it is quite difficult to get OR time now. Oh shit. I can't wait until Spetmber. I was totally kicking myself for not just sucking it up and going ahead with it when I had the chance.

The dr recommended trying an endometrial biopsy to 'suck' the blood clot out (how is that for irony). I agreed. I was unprepared, alone and without drugs. She gave me two T1s from her personal stack along with two Ad.vils. It was no where near enough. That was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I lay on that table, with tears running down my cheeks and my iPo.d in my ears litening to my Glee song, "Don't Stop Believing". The last time I heard that songs that way was on the transfer table.

She was able to get the clot out and now I am finally done with this disasterous nightmare. I am still in a lot of pain and soreness, but I guess that is to be expected from an hysteroscopy and biopsy two days apart. For now, T2s are my new BFF.

I spent the rest of the day wiht my mom doing mother-daughter things (lunch, shopping and mani/pedis) while I was dopped up on pain killers and tonight I have a bridal shower for my SIL. I hope I can make it through the night.

Thanks again, for all the support.

-R.

Not Wanting to Accept

It is starting to sink in. My body officially does not want me to be pregnant..at least not anytime soon. Every possible obstacle has been thrown my way. Why don't I give up? I don't know. I should. I am still really numb and processing everything. I wasn't prepared. I am still not prepared.

Tomorrow I am going to my local RE to discuss the D&C. Ugh, I am so not looking forward to this conversation.

-R.

Could This Day Get Any Worse?

Please don't answer that.

I had an eloquent post written in my head about how at exactly 4pm EST or 2pm MT, both me and my sister would be having ultrasounds. Hers found a healthy, growing on target baby girl while mine found a blood clot leftover from the miscarriage.

I am done.

I decided against having a D&C in Denver as I just want to be home. If god forbid something goes wrong, I want to be in Canada where my family is. I don't know if this is the right decision or not, but it is a done deal. Tomorrow I will call my local clinic and have them arrange for me to get the D&C done as soon as possible.

There is more to say about the appointment and the other stuff, but I just don't have it in me right now.

-R.

Home Sweet Denver

I feel like I am home. The airport, streets and sights are all familiar to me. It is almost too easy here. We had an uneventful flight (thank goodness) and then went straight to the outlet mall. My new dream job does not allow me to wear jeans and so I needed to get some new pants. I got three pairs so I am happy with that start. A. had never been to the outlets before, had a good time as well as we were able to be outside enjoying the nice weather while shopping at the same time.

We checked into the hotel and it is nice. Compared to the Stay.bridge and Home.wood, the Inv.erness is a luxury hotel. It is the perfect place to come for a ODWU or a check me over trip. I would not recommend it for a long stay. As nice as it is, the room and being cooped up for a few days, would become crowded very fast. The do have a spa though. We when got to the hotel, A. was exhausted so as he slept, I took the opportunity to treat myself to a massage. The change room is equipped with a steam, showers, etc. and there is an exclusive to spa guests only outdoor hot tub. It was so nice, especially since I was the only person there. Heavenly. The massage was awesome as well, it was expensive but worth it. (Registered massage therapists preform the massage so I am able to claim it on my insurance-yay.)

Then it was the moment I was most anticipating. My face-to-face with my friend Cassie. A. and I picked her up and we went to dinner at the Cheese.cake Fac.tory. We had such a good time just relaxing, chatting and eating super delicious cheesecake. I felt like we were old friends catching up. It felt so natural to just be myself because I had no secrets from her. She, like all of you, know my inner thoughts so it was a liberating experience as no one in my social circle knows about my struggles.

Now, I am exhausted and completely freaked for tomorrow's appointments. I really hope my uterus is all clear and that I am able to finalize a plan to move forward. I am ready.

-R.

Saying Goodbye and Moving Forward--UPDATED

I find it so funny that as soon as I have an emotional response to my IF journey, I immediately run to my computer to blog about it. Actually, I am not sure if it is funny or sad, but either way I am so glad to have you in my life. A. and I are heading out to Denver tomorrow early morning and we have friends coming for a BBQ tonight so we are both prepping for tonight and tomorrow. I decided that when I return from Denver, I do not want any reminders of this pregnancy. I want/need a clean slate. A place to move forward from. It is like I have been frozen in time since it happened.

I haven't changed anything. My bathroom was frozen in time (of course, I have cleaned it, just not tidied it).

The pee sticks were exactly where I had left them as well as all the miscarriage supplies (different size maxi pads, pain meds, etc.). They were constant reminders and also a bit comforting as well. Almost like a sign that reads, "remember me, I was here". But, it is quite painful to get caught off guard and have the reminders. A. and I agreed that it was time to get rid of the sticks. I was ok picking them up, walking downstairs to the garbage and then I froze. I must have clenched the sticks and stared at them for a good five minutes at least. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go. A. kept telling me it was alright if I kept them, but I didn't want to. This was one of the more difficult things I have done. Saying goodbye. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I was hoping that this would not be the last time I would see those two beautiful lines again.

A. was extremely supportive, but so optimistic at the same time. I wish I could be optimistic right now. What if I never see those lines again? I finally gathered the strength and tossed (rather violently) the sticks in the garbage and then cried as A. hugged me. I think this was the first time we "cried" (ok me, but we were together) over this miscarriage together. We have come a long way in our relationship from a few months ago. We are stronger for the difficult times, but are so fucking ready to move onto the next stage.

The expecting stage.

***

Warning TMI ahead: On a completely separate note, my AF is here with a vengeance. Maybe it is much heavier after a miscarriage, I don't know. Will it be a problem if I am still bleeding on Monday for the hysteroscopy? It will be day 8 then. Normally, I have a very light flow and it only lasts a couple of days (3 max) so this is new territory for me.

***
UPDATED: I just had to post a picture of the ice cream party we had for dessert (I made vanilla bean and milk chocolate). I think my friend went a little nuts with the topping selections. Enjoy!

Monday

My friend Lis just found out that her husband is going away for several months. Please go over and give her some support.

Monday is going to be a big day. It is my hysteroscopy. I am so hoping and praying and hoping and praying (repeat this another thousand or so times) that everything will turn up normal and that there is no reason to think that my uterus was at fault for the miscarriage. I really want to try again to carry a pregnancy. I want to experience the movement, the bonding and almost all parts of bringing a baby into the world (not so keen on the painful labour part). I hope that meeting with the dr face-to-face he will have some more ideas about what went wrong and what we can do differently for next time. Please let there be a next time.

On the one hand, I want a different protocol. I need to change some of the variables, but then I get scared. It worked. Just not for long enough. Why change the protocol? I am just so torn because I don't know what caused the miscarriage and since I will never know, I just have to trust the medical experts and that is why they make the BIG bucks!

Monday will also be the fifth time to Denver in the last 13 months. That is a whole lot of Denver time. Last summer I was so filled with hope as I headed out to Colorado and now I am filled with fear. I truly believed that I would be in a different place after my ODWU last July. In a way I am, I am grieved the loss of my genetically related children and have moved forward with DE, I am just not ready to grieve the loss of my uterus.

Monday will also be my sister's 18+ week ultrasound. I can't believe that we are in this place already. She has decided to find out the sex of the baby and this terrifies me. As the oldest child and grandchild, I had always pictured my first child a girl to follow in my footsteps. If she brings the first girl to the family, I may break even more than I already am. My dreams are crumbling around me and I can't do anything to take the pain away. Day to day, I am handling this pregnancy ok, but in my alone time, I just want to explode. It just isn't fair.

-R.

Finally

I finally got a hold of the nurse today. Apparently, she sent the prescription, but I never received it. She sent it again and now I have it. Good, cross one thing off my list. Yay. In terms of the endometrial biopsy, she was no help at all. She basically told me to discuss it with the dr when I see him. Ok, but might that be too late? At this point, I am really trying to just let the chips roll where they may. But this is something that I need to learn to do. I just really hope that the hysteroscopy doesn't find yet another problem. Sigh.

-R.

Was it Something I Said?

I have been trying to get a hold of my nurse for two days now. Not an email reply or phone call back...nothing, not a word. I am getting really frustrated and annoyed by this. I do not think that I am overly pushy or in your face, but when I need something, I ask for it. I make sure that I am on top of my shit because no one else cares as much as I do. When I booked my appointments for next week the receptionist told me I need to take antibiotics before the hysteroscopy. So, I emailed the nurse, but haven't heard back. It has been two days. I also want to discuss the endometrial biopsy and if it is the right time to move forward with this procedure, but again no response. Tomorrow I am going to leave a phone message, but seriously, this is ridiculous. Anyone find themselves in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

-R.

Getting My AF On

Yup, that's right, she came. I thought it would be difficult for me, a reminder of sorts, but it wasn't. I was relieved actually that my body was working and ahead of schedule. I was planning on asking my local RE today for a prescription fro Pro.vera to bring on AF anyway so I was expecting this. I will admit that even though I knew it was impossible as my hcg is still positive, I thought maybe; but no and I'm ok with that. HCG came in today at 16.14 so it is dropping, at least that's something.

As soon as I realized AF was here, I immediately called CCRM to book my hysteroscopy. It's all set, A. and I leave for Denver on Sunday, spend the afternoon at CCRM on Monday and return home on Tuesday. I have to admit that I'm excited. We are treating it like a mini vacation and even managed to splurge on something we always talked about...the In.verness.

I thought it would be a good idea to stay with an outdoor pool as we will have a lot of down time (I have no interest in seeing the sights this time around) and so we decided to just book it. They have lower rates on weekends (Fri and Sat), but they said they would give me the weekend rate for Sun and the regular rate for Mon so it isn't so bad really. See how I justify?

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Things will hopefully fall into place. My plan is to have the hysteroscopy on Day 8 and I am also going to inquire about the possibility of having the endometrial biopsy done at the same time. If you have experience with this please let me know...especially about the pain part.

So for now, I'm in a decent place and getting ready to pick up the pieces and move forward.

-R.

The Wedding

I know you were probably on pins and needles dying to hear the long drama about the wedding (ha ha), but I will tell you anyway and then never speak of it again. It was beautiful. My cousin was absolutely glowing and I couldn't have been happier for her and her new husband. The day went off without a hitch, which is exactly what you want on your wedding day. Everything from the weather to flowers to pictures and the such were flawless. What a relief as there were some weather reports of thunderstorms, but luckily all we had was sun shine.

There was a lot of pregnancy talk throughout the day. That was difficult for me. First, at the hairdresser where he saw my sister for the first time. Sis is really good of not initiating the conversation about her pregnancy, but when asked she does reply and her face lights up. I would not expect anything less, but it is still extremely difficult for me. The pg bridesmaid looked amazing. I had a few moments where I had to take a private moment (a few seconds really) and catch my breath because I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I pictured how different the day should have been and how cute I had hoped to look. Not in the cards.

The ceremony was literally the longest ceremony of life (and I have been to a lot of weddings). Seriously, I felt like I was standing forever and so did my feet. By the end, they were so sore that they were turning numb and tingling. Immediately after the ceremony I put on flip flops and was great for the rest of night.

My trick of holding a drink at all times was almost flawless. There was one moment where I went to go to the bathroom and it happened. A woman who works with my uncle congratulated me on my news. I informed her with attitude that she had already asked me this (a few weeks earlier) and that it was my sister. She then proceeded to go on and say how she thought it was both of us. My reply was quite rude and I just said something like, No, only her...not me. I then stormed off. Later she found me to apologize and I just said that in the past week many people are confusing me with her and I just can't take it anymore. Whatever, I don't even care.

So then it was back to drinking...heavily. But, I am feeling good this morning. No hangover or anything. It is so amazing to me how your body just remembers how to normal after not indulging for sometime. Maybe the weekly drinking of wine A. and I have been doing this summer helped as well.

All in all it was a beautiful day, but I am really glad that it is over and I can now focus on something else. There is a video clip that I am dying to put up, but I am just waiting for link. I will update the post when I have it.

-R.