Feeling Sad

Today was a difficult day. It didn't start off that way though. It started off pretty good. I woke up to a call from work asking me to come in early to substitute for an absent teacher first period (we get paid extra to do supply work for the periods we don't teach). I quickly got dressed, took my doxy and left for work. The nausea usually starts to kick in about 20 minutes later, and right on time, mine did only I was at work. Luckily, I thought about this and had brought a nutritious breakfast of diet ginger ale. I also sent off some blood work to the dr. that I had redone (I failed the first time) and thank goodness, everything was fine. So I spent the day happy.

At the end of the day, walking to my desk I saw my blackberry flashing red indicating I had an email. It was from one of my closest friends who lives out of town. She has an incredibly busy schedule and there is a three hour time difference, so we don't have many opportunities to talk. When I saw it was her, I instinctively knew what it was. I should have waited to open the email Why did I need to read it at work? To be fair, she is and has always been incredibly supportive of my throughout my infertility experience. I have cried to her on numerous occasions and she has never betrayed my trust or been anything other than a true friend. Today was no different. Her email read something to the effect of, I want to give you the heads on something, would you like to call me? Those words, and I knew...she was expecting her second child. I immediately wanted to burst into tears, but I was at work so I tried to hold back as much as I could although a few managed to escape and run down my face. I finished my work quickly and before I could reach my car, I was hysterical.

I managed to write a response, although how I could type through the flood gates is beyond me. I wrote something to the effect of: I am so happy for you, but I don't think I am able to hear the words out loud right now. She understood and was, as usual, extremely supportive. I was not. I have literally spent the last four hours crying my eyes out. No one else knows this information about her and so I haven't shared my feelings with anyone (except all of you reading) and this has been hard. Even as I type this entry, I am constantly stopping to wipe the tears from my eyes.

I shouldn't be surprised by this news as her daughter is two years old, but I am. I wasn't prepared for this information...today. I also am feeling badly that I couldn't support her the way she does me. I hate that about myself. This fucking infertility has turned me into a selfish person. I am too obsessed with my problems and struggles that I cannot be there for someone who would do anything for me. I hate that. It makes mad and upset.

I am feeling competely alone right now. So much so that I couldn't wait to get home, and be able to type. This make me feel better. I feel like I am able to express what is on my mind and in my heart while receiving such incredible support. I thank all of you for your strength, support and advice, it helps me pick myself up on those hard days. Today is a hard day. I am sad.

-R.