Supporting A.

Eight days ago A.'s best friend had his first child, a boy. We were still on vacation in Florida and from that moment on, we were no longer forgetting about our infertility problems, but focusing on the news of others. It definitely hurt. This pregnancy specifically has been extrememly difficult for me because of the timing; we should have been six weeks apart. Even though ours was a chemical, for 48 hours I was pregnant and so happy. I would look at this friend and try and imagine what I would have looked like at each stage. It has been a tough six months. This couple has been supportive and considerate of our journey and how I am feeling, but it still hurt to see her belly growing and hear about what she experienced. He wrote A. an email shortly after the birth talking about how amazing parenthood is and how he wishes we would be there soon. We should be there already! We were trying for a baby at their wedding. I know the comment was made to support us, but it felt like a huge slap in the face.

Today was their babies bris (the Jewish circumsion ceremony) and I felt I needed to go to support A. And his dear friend. For the past year, I have pulled away from most baby/pregnancy related celebrations, but today I let down my guard and went.

This was one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I was surrounded by babies and toddlers. When did people start bringing their mini-me's to parties relating to circumsion? It felt awkward to be there childless. I felt the eyes on me thinking about where my children were. In fact, one woman asked if I left my two little ones at home! Excuse me-when did I have two? It took all my strength not to cry when I replied I don't have children. I wanted to say, no I don't have any children as my 30 year old body has failed me and I can't have biological children-are you glad you asked?! But I didn't.

A. and I both want children, equally. We dream about our family and it saddens us that it hasn't happened for us yet, but we differ so drastically in the way we deal. I shut down and ignore all things baby as it just too painful (I didn't even see te baby today), and he is not phased at all by others' babies. He still wants to hold them, talk about them and google over them. It bothers me. A lot.

When we finally left the bris, I again felt like I had to hold back the tears. A. Tries so hard to be supportive, but as a guy, he doesn't get it. When he is off with his friends chatting over the Olympics or whatever, I am left with the mothers sitting and cooing over their babies. It sucks.

Overal, I am proud of myself that I mustered up the strength to go today, I just hate that I have to pay the price for others' happiness with my own.

-R.