Needleversary

Today is my one year needleversary. Not of receiving needles, but of A. giving them to me. It was exactly one year ago today that A. stood in the Ft. Lauderdale airport family bathroom preparing to shoot me in the ass, while I cried hysterically and tried to mentally prepare. As I reflect on this past year what has changed?

1. Today A. will again shoot me up in the Toronto airport on our way to Ft. Lauderdale

2. I have completed 2 full IVF cycles (1 chemical, 1 BFN)

3. I have travelled to Denver Colorado a total of 3 times

4. I have changed jobs to one that I despise (I quit for next year though so its ok)

5. There have been 4 babies born and 3 pregnancy announcements in our social circle

6. We finished our basement with the hopes of needing more room

7. We have moved on to donor egg IVF and are currently in cycle 1

8. I distanced myself from my closest friends for 6 months and then slowly began
reaching out

9. I continue to vent to my therapist on a weekly basis

10. I go for acupuncture regularily and will start hypnotherapy next week

Reflecting sucks. I am no better off this year than I was last year. The difference was that last year in that airport I had hope. It was not hormone shots or Lupron, but PIO (progesterone in oil) which meant the cycle was over and we were waiting for the good news. This time it is the Lupron, one of the most hated shots of all. It causes dreadful headaches and moodiness among other side effects and I have little hope. Not because I don't believe in the donor egg process, but because right now, I don't believe in me. With never having success at such a young age (I am only 30 now), it is hard for me to really believe that this could work. It should work. But then again, so should the IUIs, the IVFs and all the other stuff. Hopefully four days in the sun will help get my mood in a better place.

-R.