Remembering our Wedding

A.'s sister got engaged on New Year's Eve and the whole family aside from being completely ecstatic about the new union, is also completely obsessed with everything wedding. Ah to be getting married again. A. and I had a picture perfect wedding. It was the best day of my life and I can picture every detail like it was yesterday...

We had a large wedding of 400 guests in a synagogue and it was a traditional wedding. We didn't see each other the week before the wedding and didn't speak for the last 24 hours. When it came time for A. to see me in my dress, it was a magical moment and luckily, our photographer was there to catch it on film (we did pictures before the ceremony). The flowers were yellow roses and our cake was made out of cupcakes. Our bridal party was enormous with 10 girls on my side and 11 on A.'s. Every detail was perfect from the dress to the decor and everything in between. Planning the wedding was not. It was the most stressful time of our relationship (including infertility at times). I mean anytime six people with ideas, budgets and priorities get together there is going to be tension...I just didn't realize how much tension.

There were moments when I honestly didn't know how we would survive. It was a true test of our love and commitment together and thankfully we came out on the right side. I am proud of us for that. In a way it lay the ground work for this journey only on a much different scale. Infertility stress is different than the stress of planning a wedding. A. and I are now making all the choices, even though we consult with our families. We have no one to blame but ourselves if we are feeling worked up about this life stress. Infertility has tested our marriage. I am constantly in a bad mood as I don't feel well or am worrying/thinking about the cycle and I definitely don't feel desirable often. It has been a tough three years. We stress about money, where to live (right now we are in the suburbs) and how we will achieve the goal of having a family. As much as I regret not starting to try sooner, in a way I am glad that we waited until we were ready because we are so much stronger as individuals and a couple and are better suited to handle this stress (and there is a lot of it).

-R.

Edited to add: it is funny that this post ended up this way as originally I thought I was going to take it in a different direction.