Trying New Things

I think it is so important to break free from our comfort zones and try new things every once in a while. I did this today. Maybe it is an effort to change my negative thinking about the future outcome of my cycle or trying to take my mind off said cycle, but either way I'm doing it.

I'm actually a little embarrassed to admit this (but after yesterday's announcement nothing could be so bad), but I have never dined alone before. Sure, I gone for fast food and ate at the table, but that doesn't really count. I am writing this from the table when I am currently dining alone.

I like being alone. Lately, I prefer my own company to those fertiles any day, but there is some stigma about seeing someone alone in a restaurant. I'll admit, I have wondered about the reasons why a particular person is alone and at time feel sad for them. It doesn't occur to me that maybe they are off to a meeting, their spouse/roommate out of town or some other logical reason. I just can't help staring. Is that what is happening to me? Are people staring?

Probably, but not for the reasons I think. I am dressed in my work attire and am constantly on my blackberry so in this particular restaurant filled with elderly couples (I know kind of strange) I am different.

Lately I have been feeling as if people feel sorry for me. I have no children and those in the know pity me and those who don't can only assume. I think in the last week my fertility status has come up in random conversation with colleagues at least three times. Each time I a m unsure of how to respond. My response right now (and I rotate them to entertain myself) is that it doesn't always work on the first try. This was said to a colleague who is engaged and told me they are planning to start their family right away. I hope it works for them.

Is there a point to my rambling? I'm not sure. I guess I'm sick of being an outsider and always feeling looked at, I just want to blend in...for once.

-R.