Hormones

Hormones do funny things to my body. They make me cry at silly commercials, feel sick at inopportune times, and as of late, cause a fungal rash over my body. Yes, I love hormones. It is commical to me the fact that if a drug will cause a side effect, you can bet I will get it. I fall in that 2% every time. I am getting tired of this.

I went to my doctor today for my note saying that I will be away form work and I also took the opportunity to show her my new friend, Rash. I swear she almost jumped back when she saw the red blotches creeping up my neck. It is gross. I have been wearing turtleneck shirts for a few days now (even with the hot flashes), but how long can this continue? The doctor thinks I have tinea versicolor, a skin condition caused by an overgrowth of yeast. She thinks the hormone injections have initiated the flare up. Ok. I understand, but really? She gave me a requisition to see a dermatologist, but what is the point? It is not like I will be able to take anything that may make this go away. UGH! I just want a break from all of this shit.

As a teenager I was very lucky, I didn't have acne or other skin issues on my face...everyone's luck runs out. I am embarrassed by this rash. I feel ugly. Being infertile has made me doubt myself and feel badly about not being able to give A. a baby and now I feel ugly on the outside as well as the inside. No one should feel this way. Every time I look in the mirror it is a constant reminder of my failure as a woman. It is stairing at me in red and white in the face. I can't escape this.

I will try and make the appointment with the specialist, but honestly, I am not sure it will work out. I can't miss so much work and there are only so many appointments I can fit in my already full schedule that this rash or whatever it is will just become ignored until hopefully it disappears.

I am tired and frustrated of infertility. I feel like my efforts do not have a reward and that is a terrible place to be at the onset of a new cycle. I am struggling to internalize that this cycle will be different because we have taken out the part that has not worked for us, my eggs, but I need some reassurance. I don't want to feel like I am setting myself up for disaster. I need to try harder to think positively, but it is hard. The visual reminders of what I have gone and will continue to go through are so much that it makes forgetting impossible. I really hope this negativity is the hormones speaking.

-R.