My Decision

I first want to thank you all for your ideas and suggestions regarding my dress dilemma.

I have to admit that I was still undecided of what to order even when I pulled into the parking lot of the store. I decided to try on the dress and take it from there. The sample was loose. When I was measured, they told me to order one size larger than the sample (this would really be like two sizes) and so I ordered it. I am also planning on calling tomorrow morning to order the extra yard as an insurance policy. It's only $40 and if I don't need it I can always donate it to the pregnant cousin (yes, I got confirmation on that at the store today!). I think this will be the best emotional solution for me as I really don't think I could bare the devastation of an extra large dress that is unneeded.

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Today was a busy day. It feels like every day is busy lately. Partly because I am keeping my self over-programmed so my mind has little time to wander. So far it is working. I am distracting myself, but I am also tired. My activity for tonight was fun. I was getting together with my sister and cousins for dinner and a chick flick. We went to see, When in Rome, very cute and totally IF safe.

I had a mini breakdown. One of my cousins (not the engaged one) told us that she is planning on volunteering in Africa and travelling for the next couple of months and therefore she will miss the bridal shower our mothers are planning. Truth be told I will be missing the shower as well as I will hopefully be in Denver! Obviously, I am excited to go, and get the process started, however I feel like for three years I have missed so much. Family dinners, holidays, parties all because of infertility. I never complained before, because it is always for a good cause, but when the cause fails, it sucks that I missed the important stuff. Anyway, when I heard of this cousin's plans, I flipped out. I was a total bitch and she definitely did not deserve it. I feel bad. I have apologized, but I took out my own frustration on her and that was not fair.

I feel like I am falling apart. This was just one example of how I have lost all control over my life, emotions and goals. Nothing is as it should be. I should be pregnant. I should be able to use my own eggs. I should be able to spend one day without crying. I should be happy.

-R.