Valentine's Day is not a day that A. and celebrate. Not because we don't love eachother, but because we just don't need a made up holiday to tell us when to express our feelings and buy eachother over priced flowers and chocolates (not that we begrudge or think ill of anyone who does); however this year is different; I want to celebrate. I want to be able to think of our love today. In the past three years of trying to conceive, our love and commitment to eachother has been tested.
When I reflect back on the people A. and I were when our journey began, we were so different. Excited, nervous, uneducated and gulliable. My local dr. always told me, "your young, this will work" or "I can feel that this will work" and so I blindly believed her. I do not think she was maliceous, she like many just assumed that because I was under 30 that it would work. Now at 30 (which is still incredibly young in fertility terms), we are all more experienced, educated, fearful and realistic. I look at the world in statistics. I think about my chances and weigh my options carefully where as before I would have jumped in feeling positive without science to back it up.
I have learned a lot about myself as well. I am a private griever. When the bad news comes, I shy away. I prefer to cry myself to sleep alone and isolate myself from everyone...including A. He is different. He needs to talk about it and will with anyone who will listen. It is not that I am selfish, I just cannot get myself together enough to be there for him in times of extreme sadness. He knows this and is so incredibly supportive and for that, I LOVE him.
Over the past three years our marriage has become stronger. We are more in sync with our feelings and have finally found our way to navigate through the world of infertility. He tries to understand the many many many mood swings I have on a regular basis and the constant headaches and not feeling so desirable and for that I thank him. He rubs my back when I feel sick or brings me a cheer up gift when I need one, although since I have given up chocoaltes there haven't been many gifts. He has endured his own pain and I know that. It is not easy for either of us right now, but we are strong and are fighters.
A. is the best partner that I could have imagined to accompany me on this journey (although I wish we didn't need the journey) and I know that whatever happens with Ms. Perfect, we will survive-eventually and hopefully our love and commitment to eachother will continue to grow.
To those celebrating Valentine's Day, I hope the day brings you smiles and happiness.