I was oddly calm today. Usually waiting for the fertilization report, I am anxious, on edge and feel sick to my stomach, but today I was ok. Yes, I thought about it, of course I did, but it didn't consume me like in the past. I guess I am feeling that relief that this one part has nothing to do with me. It won't be a bad report as we have taken out the part of the equation that has always been a problem for us, my eggs. Ms. Perfect has a proven track record, I have keep reminding myself of this. It is still difficult for me to fully let go and just believe, but I am trying.
Once again I found myself glued to my blackberry waiting for "the call", but I was expecting good news. I got some. Out of the 25 eggs retrieved, 19 were mature and 17 fertilized with ICSI! I almost can't believe it. I say almost because I was expecting this. I depended on this to reassure me once again that I made the right decision moving forward with donor eggs. I did. I have never produced 17 eggs at a time let alone fertilized that many. I needed this. I needed some good news today.
I think about how I got to this place. It wasn't supposed to be like this. A. and I would start trying when we were ready, and that would be it, we would be pregnant. Not. Even. Close. At twenty seven I was already seeing a specialist and at twenty eight I had already started my IVF journey with my first retrieval on my birthday! No one thought I would be here. A massive failure at the early age of thirty. But here I am. Today I was cleaning the house to get it ready for when A. comes home from Denver when I stumbled upon my bag. It is the leftover, unused needles from each failed cycle. Not only the IVFs, but the timed intercourse, and IUIs as well. It was overwhelming to say the least.
I then looked at my sharps envelope. It contained my Lupron needles (well most of them) from this cycle. Again, I am overwhelmed.
I think about what I have put my body through over the past three years, and I am scared. I can't keep doing this, it can't be healthy. I need a sure thing already. There isn't one. If I have learned anything from this infertility disaster, it is that we have no control and nothing is a guarantee.