Friday, March 5, 2010

Passing Hurdles

I was up most of the night. The anxiety was trying to eat me alive. I just kept picturing today in my head and the words, "we need to talk about your donor". It was exactly at this point in the cycle, where I last heard those dreadful words and I just can't stop worrying I will hear them again. Logically, I know that this time is different. We have a proven, highly recommended donor who has assured me that she will fulfill her commitment, and I believe this is theory, but I until I know its a go, I just can't relax.

I was dreading today. Anniversaries of failures of almost failures in this case are very painful and difficult for me. I analyze them, replay moments in my head and have been known to get fairly worked up emotionally. I'm not surprised that today was no different. I keep telling myself, I just need to get passed this hurdle, but it isn't true. I have many hurdles to get passed. I have never been told that I am having a perfect cycle. I've never had beautiful embryos. I've never had a true blastocycst. I have never had two positive Beta tests in a row. Yes, I have many hurdles to pass.

I emailed my nurse today asking for reassurance that the cycle was indeed going to happen. She responded that Ms. Perfect had an ultrasound and blood work done today and if all is OK with the results she will start her stimulation drugs tomorrow. Whew. I let out one sigh. I am relived that she showed up for the appointment, but not fully clam yet. I didn't realize there was a possibility she would fail the check. Again, I worried, stressed and analyzed. Luckily, they did not make me wait to long as the results are in and we are set to go! WHEW. Big sigh of relief.

I am so emotional right now thinking that we are finally on the right track. We have passed one hurdle and I am so hoping the others pass smoothly as well.


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