Feeling Low

It is that time of year...Passover cleaning. It is the one time of the year, that I initiate the cleaning of the house. For those unfamiliar with the holiday of Passover, the custom is to not eat chametz (breads, grains and leavened products) for eight days as Jews remember their exit from slavery in Egypt. Many Jewish people, also clean their homes in preparation of the holiday. This is not your regular clean, this is where we empty out the kitchen, scrub it up and down and do a spring clean of the house from top to bottom. I'll admit, it is hard work and I don't enjoy doing it, but I do enjoy the benefits when it is finished. I always look forward to this time of year, but not today. This was a hard clean for me today. I was not supposed to be cleaning. I was supposed to be sitting on the couch during the 2WW, while A. cleaned and I told him what to do (A. cleans all the time and Passover is really my thing, so he would have needed some direction for what needed to be done).

I have moments where I think that it was for the best that I did not get to the fresh transfer. I try to tell myself about the reasons why it will work out better this way, but in the end I am fooling myself. The only difference between March and May is that May is two months farther along. I am so tired of waiting. I am sick of feeling let down by my body. I am scared that I will never experience a pregnancy. I am sad and angry by this.

I have good days and bad days. On a good day, I can get out of bed, go to work and even reach out to my fertile friends. On my bad days, I want to crawl into my bed, under the covers and not come out for days. Of course, I can't actually hide from the world, so I put on a brave front and then let it all out when I am home alone. Probably not the best medicine.

My head continues to spin with thoughts about how my body has let me down...again. I find that I am stuck in this situation, and I am not sure how/if I will be able to move forward. I hate that I now cry at the drop of a hat (or watching Dancing with the Starts). I am trying desperately to think positively for the upcoming cycle. I am listening to my hypnosis CD before bed every night, and I hope it is helping. I am also reminding myself of the fact that we have fifteen good looking embryos. All of this is well and good, but if my body doesn't respond, it won't really matter. I hate that I am still infertile. I hate that I am entering another Passover holiday without a pregnancy let alone a baby. Today was a not so great day as it just served to remind me of the loss that I continue to have.

-R.