Sunday, March 21, 2010

Protecting Myself

I think getting my period made all the difference in my mood. I am over all the bullshit with A. and we put it behind us. It was not like me to react in such harsh ways. It was a bad few days and I am glad that that is finally over with. We are now focusing all of our energy on gearing up for our (hopefully last) transfer in May. I have been obsessively counitng the days on my blackberry as if that would make them come sooner, but it is still fun.


Today was the bridal shower for my cousin. It was really difficult for me to be there. On the one hand, I was glad that I was able to be a part of the festivities and support her (originally I was going to be "sick"), but on the other hand, I just kept thinking that I should be on the table having my beautiful embryos transferred into my body. I am trying to move forward, but I am still so devasted about this. I can't stop thinking about it. In fact, I think of little else. On top of that, the pregant cousin would also be at the shower only now, she has announced so the entire world knows her news.

I had a plan to protect myself at the shower. I avoided her all day. I wasn't rude, I just couldn't deal with all the congradulations and baby bump talk. I am also feeling so raw right now, that I was worried about what I might say if to anyone who brought up the word baby around me. I managed to keep my distance from her, but I couldn't help starring at her belly (she isn't even showing). I am so envious it hurts. It should be me announcing my news. But instead, I am here at home, with no transfer and no pregnancy...agian.


I feel like the last two weeks I have been such a downer. My posts are all depressing and I hate that. This is how I am feeling now so it is difficult for me to write about anything else. I am working through the sadness, so please bare with me.

1 comment:

  1. Your grief is yours to own - there's nothing wrong with that.