Protecting Myself

I think getting my period made all the difference in my mood. I am over all the bullshit with A. and we put it behind us. It was not like me to react in such harsh ways. It was a bad few days and I am glad that that is finally over with. We are now focusing all of our energy on gearing up for our (hopefully last) transfer in May. I have been obsessively counitng the days on my blackberry as if that would make them come sooner, but it is still fun.

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Today was the bridal shower for my cousin. It was really difficult for me to be there. On the one hand, I was glad that I was able to be a part of the festivities and support her (originally I was going to be "sick"), but on the other hand, I just kept thinking that I should be on the table having my beautiful embryos transferred into my body. I am trying to move forward, but I am still so devasted about this. I can't stop thinking about it. In fact, I think of little else. On top of that, the pregant cousin would also be at the shower only now, she has announced so the entire world knows her news.

I had a plan to protect myself at the shower. I avoided her all day. I wasn't rude, I just couldn't deal with all the congradulations and baby bump talk. I am also feeling so raw right now, that I was worried about what I might say if to anyone who brought up the word baby around me. I managed to keep my distance from her, but I couldn't help starring at her belly (she isn't even showing). I am so envious it hurts. It should be me announcing my news. But instead, I am here at home, with no transfer and no pregnancy...agian.

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I feel like the last two weeks I have been such a downer. My posts are all depressing and I hate that. This is how I am feeling now so it is difficult for me to write about anything else. I am working through the sadness, so please bare with me.