It took a long time for John, the embryologist, to call. I wasn't nervous all day, in fact, I barely thought about. Well, until about 4:00 pm and there was still no news. Of course, panic started to settle over me, even though I felt like I had nothing to worry about, I still did. Anyway, I am so relieved and happy that we are still good to go. Here's what we have in the lab:
- 8 embryos at 8 cells
- 3 embryos at 9 cells
- 1 embryo at 6 cells
- 2 embryos at 7 cells
All with graded either 3+, 4-. 4 (according to John all excellent)
- 3 embryos at 5 cells (2 of which are graded 3--not so good)
Needless to say, I am very pleased with the results.
I have been having a really difficult time lately. Maybe it is the fact that body failed me..yet again, or maybe it the drastic hormone change, or maybe its my lack of control, but something is wrong. Very wrong. I don't feel like myself. I am sad all the time, and even this amazing news of the embryos, hasn't brought me out of my funk completely.
Something has been weighing so heavily on my mind for the past five days, and I think I am ready to acknowledge it. When I told A. about my lining and how it didn't cooperate he said among other things, "we can take a year off and try naturally". This has completely devastated me. I know he was trying to be sensitive and sincere, but it felt like rubbing salt in an open wound. I mean, after everything that I have been through to get to this point, a) the last thing I am going to do is give up and b) if trying naturally would work, then I wouldn't need Ms. Perfect.
I am heartbroken and I feel like shit. I have been holding this in while A. was in Denver, but last night when I picked him up from the airport, I just couldn't keep quiet anymore. I let him have it. It got ugly. Even today we were still talking about it. It took hours and hours of my crying and yelling and trying to explain why those words were so hurtful, and even now that he says he understands, but I am not convinced he does. A. is the most generous, loving person, but he just couldn't understand where I was coming from. To him, he thought he was being supportive. He thought he was telling me what I wanted to hear. Obviously it backfired...with a vengeance.
All A. ever wanted was to parent our baby. The baby we made together and that dream is gone. Yes, we are both ecstatic about the embryos we have and are completely comfortable and on board with our decision to move forward, but I think I forget sometimes that we both have given up on a dream. I am sure I overreacted to these words. In fact, I know I did, but I just can't help it. I am just so broken from all my failures and I am sick and tired of picking myself up off the floor that I just took out all my frustration, anger and anxiety on A.
Eventually we both understood where the other was coming from and we have put this behind us; but I can't help feeling sad still. I am scared about the way I am feeling. I know that it is normal for anyone in my shoes, but it is not so normal for me. I need to find my strength to move forward, but it is hiding. Come out, come out wherever you are!