Thursday, March 25, 2010

Trying to Pass the Time

I am literally teaching right now. I am in class and my students are working in groups, preparing for their final performance of the year (drama). As a teacher, this is the time where I reflect on the work that I have done to prepare them as they set off to mount their first production. I can hardly believe the school is almost over. I remember them as young, innocent high school students, struggling to transition from middle school to high school. I almost laughed when I think how far they have come. As an IFer, this is the time, where I am obsessively reading blogs, writing my blog and of course, checking IVFC. I feel a connection to the women I have "met" through this process and I find myself wanting to read the next installment of each of their stories. Each woman has a had a journey of their own and is continues to struggle to make it to the other side. Eventually, I am hopeful that we all we all, even if we take different paths to get there.

These women have helped me realize that my thoughts, fears, feelings and dreams are normal and part of this journey. Normal. Is. Not. How. I. Feel. I know in my head that many people in my situation would feel similar, but I can't help but remembering what my life was like before this IF roller coaster. I think, I used to be fun. I think, I used to like going out for fancy dinners and drinking great wine. I think, I used to look forward to trying. These things have been taken away from me. Sometimes I feel like my enjoyment for life has been taken away from me.

I think it is really important for me to regain control of my life. This will not be easy as for the past three years, my life has been out of my control, but I will try. I will be off work for the next ten days for Passover vacation and I hoping in this time, to find myself. I am not really sure where to start looking though, any ideas? This will be how I will pass the time waiting until we transfer beautiful embryos.


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