Sensitivity

I would not classify myself as sensitive. In fact, I have been known to be hard at times, however I am overly sensitive towards fertiles. This comes out of anger, sadness and jealousy and it can flare up at the drop of a hat or the mention of the word pregnancy or baby. It has gotten very bad lately to the point where I try to isolate myself as much as I can.

All of our close friends have children. Our entire social circle revolves around at home get together so that the parents do not need to get sitters. The conversation almost always revolves around breast feeding, pumping, strollers, movies for mommies and the list goes on and on and on and on. Am I painting a good picture? What really bothers me is that when we do these couple get together it always seems like the males are off in one corner drinking while the females are discussing motherhood. I tend to get extremely quiet (which for me is uncommon) during these moments. This issue is something that I am trying to work through with therapy, but it is not easy for me. My heart breaks when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. It is just so painful.

A. doesn't really understand this. He gets annoyed that infertility has affected our friendships. It has plagued me and turned me into a person that I don't recognize. Yes, it is upsetting for him as well, but not to the same degree. He is starting to get it. Many of our friends are trying to be sensitive towards me, or so they say. I do not see it that way. They make comments like, "we hope you will be here soon" or "one day you will understand how tiring parenting can be"; in my opinion, keep those comments to yourself.

The newest way that people are looking out for me is by becoming movie critics. Previewing the movies and giving me recommendations as to what I should and shouldn't watch. The latest movie being Couples Retreat. I was warned by a number of fertiles not to watch this movie as it would be too painful for me they said. Every now and then I like a good brainless movie and this one did peak my interest because of the cast. I wanted to watch it. I understood that it might be painful and appreciated the warnings, but watched it anyway. Big deal. So a couple has been trying to get pregnant for 12 months? Who the fuck cares. There was no pregnancy, no infants and no IVF clinics. It was a silly, brainless movie. The truth is, is that it made the fertiles uncomfortable because this particular couple was fighting and on the verge of divorce, which is why they didn't want me to see it. To protect themselves. Not the other way around. If infertility has done anything positive for me, it has brought A. and I closer together. Our marriage is strong. This movie did not make me think about my life in terms of infertility, it make me wish for a vacation. Anyone who has a walked a day in an infertile shoes knows that this movie is nothing compared to the real thing.

-R.