A Should be Day

Today should be my Beta day. If all went according to plan (and I know that it rarely does) I should be waiting for the call from the nurse about my HCG levels. I know I have to move on, but it is days like today where I just can't. These anniversaries are so difficult for me. I am so focused on what it would have felt like to receive a hopefully good news phone call for once, that it just makes me sad, frustrated and angry.

Last night, the desserts were a hit. Everyone enjoyed the lemon pie, however it still never really thickened up. Usually, when you slice into the cake you see very defined sections of crust, ice cream and lemon, but yesterday it was just one pile of mush. At least it tasted delicious!

A.'s father loves videotaping. He tapes many family get togethers and then edits to the footage to make mini-movies. He made a movie of last year's Seder for us to watch. I was late to the Seder last year by one and half hours. I had to go to my parents house so my father could give me a Gonal-F injection. We were so rushed because we both had [laces to be that we both completely forgot about the Cetrotide injection. I remember thinking that next year at the Seder I will be a parent. It will no longer be A. and I surrounded by the sea of children. This was the cycle of my chemical pregnancy. I was able to live that dream for two days. They were the best two days of my life. And then, like many, the dream was ripped from me so fast, I still can't believe it at times.

I have been seeing a social worker on a regularly for a while now. I started going before my second IVF on an infrequent basis, but after the continual bad news, I am now going once a week. It is so helpful to have someone to talk to, especially someone who gets it (she is an infertility counsellor). One of the things that keeps me going is that she says that the chemical pregnancy should that my body knows how to implant. Yes, it was a bad quality embryo which is why it didn't take, but it tried to. I have to remember this when going in for my transfer. I have to remember that my body should be able to do this.

-R.