Monday, June 28, 2010

Dose 3

The final dose has been taken. Again, no severe pain, but also not a lot of blood. I am worried that there is something still left. I have a call into the local RE to discuss the next steps. I will have an ultrasound and repeat beta tests until it is back to zero. Apparently, the longer it takes to get back to zero, the longer it will take for my next period to arrive. Waiting game again. UGH!

Physically, I'm managing. Psychologically, not so much. A. and I are having a hard time dealing with the grief and I fear we are taking it out on each other unintentionally. We are both suffering in silence instead of together and this has been the worst part for me. I miss him and need him, but am hurting too much to be the first to give in (no matter how stupid or silly that sounds). I haven't left the bed in days and don't really have a desire to, but think I need to. I may try and get some fresh air today even if it is only for a few minutes. Maybe it can help me get some perspective?

I know that this pregnancy was only a few weeks, but I was attached. Even though I knew things can go wrong and it was still very early, I let myself get attached. Now, I am trying to keep my head above water. I know that it will get easier in time, but it is just so damn hard right now. At times, I still feel pregnant and this is the cruelest part. The part where you forget for a second that your world has been turned upside down and may never feel normal again. I was shown a glimpse of happiness and it was ripped from me in a matter of seconds. It took three and half and years to get this glimpse, I hope if there is another glimpse, it won't wait so long to find me.



  1. I'm sorry R. It is so strange how at the hardest times, we all react differently. I read you over at the FET thread too, and I think you are not the only couple that struggles this way. After our second failed IVF, I totally withdrew into myself. DH sort of disappeared too, and then got pissed at me. It happens, we were both grieving, at a loss to understand why this isn't working, and we dealt with it different ways. Hopefully with time, you will be able to come together. Time does help.

    I hope all of this physical stuff resolves quickly. Get some fresh air today, as someone who doesn't get out much, it does help when you do.

    (((((HUGS)))))) sweetie. We're all here for you.

  2. Hey there,

    I hope this is over for you soon, but I am not sure how long it takes for the pill's effects to set in.

    This is hard on both people and most people usually say something to the female and not the male. Males tend to cope with things differently and my husband would also not like to talk about it. Mine is the type that feels better when he sees me happy. I think he will feel better when he sees you out and about too. I am glad you have so many people to "chat" with.


  3. I am so sorry. With the different ways in which men and women grieve, it's no wonder that you and A are having a little bit of discord. I hope it gets better and that you can find some sort of peace in this situation. Thinking of you.

  4. Hey R,

    So sorry dear friend you're going through this. You are in the deepest depths of grief there is right now.

    There is nothing you could have done to stop you from attaching to this baby - you were attached the moment the embryo was created. You have built fantasies and hopes and dreams for this little one and it's the loss of those fanatasies for this baby that is now expressed as your grief and your pain. You're allowed to melt into your bed for a while but please don't let it go on for days at a time. Do anything to get out of routine...even when you don't feel like it is when you need to. Trust me...I have been there and am amazed at how much better I felt. It's when you feel your worst when you have to fight back. Even just shower and put on makeup and do your me does wonders. It was these small breaks that gives your psyche time to heal. These out of routine breaks gives you strength to move forward. If you can only do it for half an be it...tomorrow try an hour.

    I am really sorry you feel that you and A are experiencing tension. He is likely more worried about you on top of his own grief. Try and talk about it and try and muster up the strength to let him just be a puddle if that's what he needs. You're in the absolute worst of it all right now...but TRUST.ME....I PROMISE you it will get does and it will. You will never forget and you will never stop loving the baby that was lost but it will get easier. Promise.

    Much luv and hugs...


  5. I am so very sorry. Chris and I had a similiar struggle when our FET failed. We both were grieving so hard that we couldn't be there for one another. It does get better with time, and I know that is not much of a solace at this point.

    Know that I am thinking of you often and hope that you get some resolution soon.

  6. The feeling pregnant despite what your head knows really is cruel. And of course you got attached - what else were you going to do?

    I'm so sorry. I hope the physical part is over soon.

  7. Hang in there friend. This is hard and painful. I've always said my loss was harder for me than suffering with IF. Please know what you and A are going through is normal. I was very withdrawn, wouldn't eat, wouldn't move from our bed for weeks. I couldn't talk b/c when I did the tears would fall harder. Finally one day I snapped, totally freaked out and lost it on J b/c he wasn't crying, he wasn't talking to me about it. Then he told me how badly he was hurting and how empty he felt. He didn't feel he could share it with me b/c I needed him to be strong for both of us. Men are just different with their emotions and we also have to remember that while they are with us through this journey it's the woman that is going through everything ~ the emtoions, the meds, the weight gain, the what if's. They don't feel what we do because they can't. They aren't going through this in the same capacity we are.
    Let yourself grieve over your loss. I know it doesn't feel like it but it will get better. You've been traveling the hard IF road for years, so you can't expect yourself to get over something like this in a few days, weeks or even months. It's just not possible.
    Sending hugs and love to you.

  8. I'm so sorry, especially that you are both grieving separately rather than with each other right now. I found it very helpful to have DH come to a therapy session with me so that we could find a way to cope with the loss together so maybe you could consider doing one together? As for getting attached, how could you not? If for now one else, it was tangible to saw and felt all of the changes to your body and it was very real for you. Letting yourself get attached just shows you how wonderful a Mother you're going to be when the time comes.

    Sending you much love and hugs.

  9. I don't know how you could NOT have been attached... All those hopes and dreams beheld before you instantly with those 2 little lines... I'm so sorry hon. I wish I could say something, ANYthing to make it better... ((HUGS))

  10. My husband and I struggled to after our second loss. I was really mad at him because I did not think that he was grieving enough. I was 14 weeks, so we had the baby cremated and got the ashes. I was deperate to spread the ashes, and my dh just never seemed to want to do it - I thought it was because he did not care. he finally broke down and started crying - and said that he just wasn't ready yet. I was so shocked by this. Just after the loss my dh really struggled with how to be there for me too - I would be in bed staring at nothing - and he would be watching tv. I hope that you and A can sort it out - it is tough. My thoughts are with you and A - and I hope that everything will get sorted soon

    Take care,


  11. I am praying for you and hubby to have the strength to get through this. It is so very hard and everyone grieves so differently. My hubby and I were silent too...but I know that he loves me and was just as hurt. I'm here if you ever need to talk. (((HUGS)))

  12. I'm just sorry that nothing about this process has been easy. I echo what the other commenters have said--men and women usually handle things so differently. I know just seeing two lines for one day thew our world upside down so of course you were could you not be? I hope that you two can find your way back to each other. HUGS.