I want to begin this post by saying that I am 100% pro-choice.
***
Today was my weekly appointment with SJ. I had been so looking forward to our session, because I wanted to share my beta news with her (I did email her, but it is so much better in person) and talk about some of the issues that are going on in my head. Her office is in a medical building and she shares a waiting room with a free birth control clinic. Oh the irony. Usually, it doesn't bother me. I meet many interesting people waiting and I think nothing of the reasons that they are there. Not the case today.
Either I was early, or SJ was running late (probably the later) so I took a seat on the familiar couch. There were two women sitting as well. One beside me, who was quite quiet, but polite (her bag was in my way so she moved it) and another on the opposite talking on a cell phone...rather loudly.
At first, I couldn't really figure out what she was talking about. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was there for an abortion consult. (I should add that I am not 100% sure, but it did not appear that woman conceived out of a horrible situation i.e. rape victim- not that that would be the only reason for abortion, but not today's point). She went on to say that she wasn't sure this was the path she would go down, and that if something were to happen, "it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world as this isn't her biggest dream anyway". Stab. Me. In. The. Heart. Now. (What I really wanted to say, was that it was MY biggest dream and I will gladly take the baby off her hands.)
Why was it so easy for her to get pregnant? What did she do, that I didn't? Why does she get to pass along her genes, why I don't? It isn't fair.
At this point, I was more than tearing so I needed to excuse myself from the waiting area. By the time SJ had come to get me, I was beyond hysterical. I truly don't care what this woman does, it was just her words cut through me. I know that for today, I am one of the lucky ones who is pregnant, but it doesn't take away the hurt. Infertility has taken so much from me, and these scars are deep. You can't turn them off because of a couple of positive levels. It doesn't work that way. Yes, I am so thankful for having gotten this far, but my journey is far from over.
In the end, SJ was able to calm me down. I realize that my outburst today had a lot more to do with my scars and grief than her stupid comments. It just hurts. I wish it wasn't so difficult.
-R.
Oh, R. I'm sorry you had to hear that. I can certainly see why it was hurtful.
ReplyDeleteIt is a cruel irony of the universe that often those who are least equipped to become parents, or who do not want children, are fertile (sometimes TOO fertile), while many others who would make fabulous parents and want a child desperately are unable to make it happen. So unfair.
It was fortunate that SJ was able to help you calm down.
Ugh, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a similar thing--even though we've moved on to adoption there are still many situations that grab at my heart because you're so right--the scars and wounds are DEEP. There's no way around it.
And while I'm thrilled that you have made it this far, you'll never hear me expecting you to forget all you went through to get there. I know it just doesn't work like that.
Hang in there.
You're so right...it's grief. It rears it's ugly head when you least expect it. It comes in all forms...anger, despair, why me, etc. It's at time ugly...so sorry to hear it kicked you in the face again today. Thanks for sharing your candid thoughts on donor egg conception. I feel immense peace with our latest decision but I know that I too will have moments like this. I know it's grief and I know that it will get better.
ReplyDeleteHugs...
I'm sorry you had to listen to that conversation. I have also wondered many, many times why people who don't even want kids or are so poorly equipped to have kids are the ones that get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It's not fair. As for the scars I totally get that as you know. It will manifest itself and just appear out of no where and all the pain and grief will come up. Just keep in mind as well to cut yourself some slack. There are very high levels or hormones racing around in your bloodstream. It got so bad for me during my 1st trimester that I would not be able to watch TV for fear that something would invariably make me cry!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad SJ was able to help!
ReplyDeleteThe "WHY??" gets me too. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and glad you were able to process it with SJ right away.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the rhyme or reason in the world? I do not know.