The situation with A. has gone from bad to worse and I am really scared for our future. We are barely speaking and when we do, it is not pleasant. He is so angry and is taking it out on me. I am trying to stay calm and rational about this reminding myself that we are the middle of a crisis, but it is not helping. His words are cutting through me like a sharp knife and I don't know where we will be. I am really really scared for us.
-R.
Oh R, please hang in there. I really have been where you are now and wasn't sure we would make it through, but we did. Maybe you could try asking him very calmly what he needs, or doesn't need, from you right now. If that means he needs a few days away from you, think about making that happen. I'm sure he is still processing things, but once he realizes how important you are to him, he will come around.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of getting some immediate therapy, I wonder if the therapists at CCRM would be willing and able to do a phone session with you? I was so impressed with how knowledgeable and helpful our therapist was. Just a thought. I'm thinking of you and am here if you need to vent more. I will be away from my computer for a while this afternoon, but will be back this evening. Hang in there.
So not what you need right now. It is such a letdown what you have been through and I am sure it is really hard on him too. Let him know how you feel. Have you ever read one of John Gray's books? I thought they were really good. Last weekend, we didn't talk about fertility at all, and it was really nice.
ReplyDeleteYesterday, we went to the only place here for a collection and it was awful. Men (and their families sitting down)standing around the hallway and waiting for one room as no one was allowed to go anywhere else. While I was asking a question to the receptionist (no privacy)a man was behind me with his filled cup. No bag. I really didn't need to see that. I told her that was just awful (after he left) and she said that bags were in the room. I complained how awful and they told me no one complained before. Are you kidding? They don't know better.
Anyway, hope you got a good chuckle.
T
I know how hard this is, believe me. One of the things I learned is that our other halves process things much differently than we do. Not only did he lose the baby but he has to watch you go through this extraordinarily difficult process and he there's nothing he can do to help you.
ReplyDeleteWhat helped me is to finally just tell him I what I needed most from him was to hold me. You'll probably have to take the first step toward him because my guess is that he doesn't know what to say without making things worse. Tell him what you need from him, guys need to 'fix' things.
Sending you lots of love in the mean time....
Hey R...so sorry to read this. I'm really thinking of you and A. I would say just let him sort through his anger take a break from infertility and planning the next cycle - just take time to grieve. I'd recommend some counselling if you think it is needed. I was in an extremely angry state after my diagnosis and miscarriages. I just wanted to throw it all in and dared A to leave me. I was ready to just jump in my car and leave town. It was awful. But he just let me be angry for a while and then grieve. I just wanted a break from all this crap. It was not his fault at all but I was just sick of my life and the way it was turning out. It was relationship hell. I think time is the only healer.
ReplyDeleteI am praying hard for your marriage, My DH and I got into a huge fight a couple weeks ago over our miscarriage. I just wanted him to hug me and he just wanted to yell. So he yelled and I cried alot. Then I forced him to talk to me which is generally not a good idea. But we had to have our say and the last 2 weeks have been much better. I got a book on grieving a unborn child and it has helped me a ton. Men grieve differently and aren't as attached as we are to our unborn children.
ReplyDeleteHow terrible. I agree with all those who commented that men and women grieve in different ways. I hope that he is able to see the pain he is causing and find better ways to vent. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that your marriage is on the rocks. Mine was as well after our loss - so we went to a wonderful marriage counselor who sorted us out. she said that it is typical for couples to fight after. that was news to me - but it helped to realize that we were not alone. Hugs,
ReplyDeleteRJ
I'm so sorry:( You don't need this right now. Maybe he's just really frustrated because he feels helpless and has absolutely no control of the situation. I would just give him the chance to voice his anger each time and not take anything he says too personally. I know this has to be so hard for you. Hang in there...I will be thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't have any super sage advice except that it sounds like what you have is worth fighting for...even if that means taking a few days 'apart' and then regrouping. A third party will probably be helpful as well. I know you're hurting on so many levels right now and for that, I am just so so sorry. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHappy Anniversary!!! I'm with my sweet Jess...hang in there angel, it will get better, I promise!!! As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteMK
Now is the time to work on those communications skills. I very much recommend a therapist or skilled third party to help. I think that saved our marriage after we lost our first child.
ReplyDeleteIt is not easy what you are going through and when you have a child or children you will find that the tools you use now will be just as important then.
I hope that is not being too nosey. We don't really know each other.
Good luck on all fronts. You will survive and so will your marriage.