Symbols

Is insomnia a side effect? I thought I was just nervous all those days leading up to yesterday's beta, but it's now 5:39 am , and I have already been wide awake for at least and hour. I am not complaining. I will take any and all side effects - no matter how tired or sick they make me. Just wanted to ask some of those more experienced ladies, if it still my nervous or if there is a reason for my lack of sleep.

***

Yesterday was an awesome day. Of course the Big Fat Beta, played a role, but it was also the last day of teaching for the year. School is not over, but now the students are getting ready for their end of the year exams so my role as 'teacher' is official over. I think I mentioned in a post or two that this year has been awful professionally for me. I have been miserable.

I am an Special Education teacher and have been teaching for 8 years. This year was my first year in a secondary school. When I accepted the job, I had high hopes. I was getting ready to fly out to Denver for my ODWU and upcoming cycle and I was hired to work at Branch A (the school has two campuses). We all know how my cycle ended up, and I got transferred to Branch B. My IVF failure almost destroyed me. It left me broken in ways I didn't realize at the time (it took LOTS of time with SJ to figure this out) and in many ways, tainted my outlook on my job. I was bitter, overworked and sad. I never took it out on my students, but I don't think I gave my all.

The first semester, I hated the fact that I was forced to work the entire school year. It made me resent my job and my life. It didn't help matters that my principal and I didn't see eye to eye on the principal foundations of special education. I felt like I was no good at the one thing I excelled at...my job. I sucked at infertility and now at my job too. It was a really difficult time.

So in January, I gave my official notice to resign at the end of the year. It felt amazing to finally do something for myself and I was convinced back then, that my DE journey would be smooth and that I would be expecting a baby in early fall so I would have an extended summer. Things don't work out the way we plan.

I started looking for a new job, and was unofficially offered a dream job. I don't want to jinx it by sharing some details until it becomes official, which will hopefully be really soon. I am very excited to start this job in Septemebr and am feeling positive about my career for the first time in months. I am thankful for that.

This beta has brought me (hopefully) to an end of an era. I hope the misery is over. I think there is something really powerful in the fact that two very significant life moments happened on the same day, I mean really, what are the chances?

***

In Judaism, the number 13, is special. It is not seen as bad luck, but rather the opposite.

- It is the age where a Jewish boy, has his Bar Mitzvah* (a ceremony where he will read from the Torah for the first time and become a man in the eyes of the religion).
- Rambam's Thirteen Fundamental Principles (a list of Jewish beliefs created by the medieval Jewish philospher Maimonides).
- Thirteen Divine Attributes of Mercy (God revealed these to Moses after the golden calf incident when Moses wanted to find a way for the Jews to seek forgiveness).

*Jewish girls have their Bat Mitzvah between 12-13 years old. (Mine was on my 13th birthday).

As you can see, the number thirteen has deep roots in my relgion. It is the also the number of embryos I have transferred to date. It has taken 13 embryos to get me pregnant.
I love religion and it has always been a large part of who I am, but I am not a traditional observant Jew. I look for the meaning behind the customs and decide how I can incorporate the elements into my life. So for me, the fact the my 13th embryo worked, is really amazing.

***

Today is my first official full day being pregnant. I plan to relish every moment. I am still terrified for beta 2, but I am going to focus on the positives and the symbols that have appeared.

Symptoms: insomnia (although I am sure I will be exhausted soon), same boobs and cramping, a bit more queasiness (had a handful of dry Cheerios at 4:45 am which helped).

-R.