I have been bleeding on an off both red and brown for a few days now.
I have been crying on and off since yesterday. I have moments where I am numb, not feeling anything and can carry on a normal conversation and then instantly start crying at what seems like the drop of a hat. The tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop them. I am obsessively searching the Internet for similar stories with positive outcomes, but the same thing keeps coming up, blighted ovum.
From what I have read, a blighted ovum occurs because of a chromosomal abnormality usually with the egg. Um, isn't that why I had an egg donor? How can this happen? Why is this happening?
A. had to work late last night so aside from a lot of phone calls here and there, we haven't spent time together. I usually love him for his optimism, but right now, I need him to be realistic. I need him to understand that the odds are not in our favour and this is most likely not going to turn out the way we wanted or hoped. I need him to lay beside in bed and hold me as I cry myself into a tired daze where I am able to close my eyes and forget. I need to forget the happiness I felt for the last few weeks as it was all a mirage. It wasn't real. This pregnancy wasn't real.
How do I prepare myself for the inevitable on Monday? How do I make it through the next three days where one of them is Father's Day? How do I talk to my sister while at the same exact time that I found out there was no fetal pole and therefore not a viable pregnancy, she got her twelve week confirmation that hers was progressing on track?
People call me strong, but I don't feel strong right now. I feel broken and cheated and empty. I just don't know what I did to deserve this? I really thought that once I had a positive hcg test, I would be in the clear and have a normal pregnancy. I guess that is not in the cards for me. It just sucks.
-R.
I so understand how you feel. It just plain sucks big time when your body doesn't cooperate and lets you down. To go from true happiness down to the bottomless pit, you just want to scream and ask why me. All the time feeling like everyone in the world is going about their business and no one truly understands what you have lost. I hope you find some peace and comfort from this blog community of women who know exactly what you are going through. Big hugs and God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I came over from Built In Birth Control and I just wanted to tell you that you didn't do anything to deserve this - none of us did. It sucks and it's painful and it's not fair. Having so far survived the stillbirth of twins and 6-7 subsequent miscarriages all I can say is hold your husband close, cry your heart out and know that you aren't alone. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm just catching up on what's going on, and I am so very sorry. It totally sucks, and the waiting on top of it just makes it worse.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I have any words that will make you feel better, but know that I'm here to listen (read) and support you. ((((((hugs)))))
R, all of this is your old friend "grief". He's ugly right now. I wish I could give you a hug and hold your hand while you cry. You don't have to be strong - in fact melt into your bed if you like for a few days. You already had hopes and dreams about this baby and it's the loss of those hopes and dreams that hurt. I pray for speedy answers for you and that Monday will come quickly. A's in shock right now too...denial per say. Also, miscarriages are 60% caused from chromosomal abnormalities even if the person from the egg or the sperm are chromosomally normal - sorry hun you are blindsided yet again. I wish the path was easier for you because you deserve it. Also, cancel Fathers Day...you don't have to be strong for anyone. Take care of YOU first. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there were words I could type that could take away even a tiny bit of the anger and pain you are feeling. Know that you are not alone, and that you will get through this. It sucks, and there is just no way around that. Thinking of you my friend.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am coming over from Built-in Birth Control's blog. I am so sorry and wish I had words that could help. I will be thinking and praying for you all weekend. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through what you're dealing with and it just beyond sucks.... As for this weekend, cancel everything and take care of yourself. Hold onto A., that's what helped me most. Just tell him what you need from him because if he's like mine he won't figure it out on his own.... Many gentle hugs and much love coming your way!! Even if you don't have any hope yourself, I'm still holding on to some hope for you!
ReplyDeleteHey there! I have been reading your blog and feel so sorry. I am realistic too and the only thing good to come out of this is that you CAN get pregnant. This is a big step up from CANNOT get pregnant. This is the way I have felt with my pregnancies with issues (remember our talk in the lounge). Lots of people have had this and never talked about it - many have had healthy kids too. Keep being persistent as you do not have to be done yet. And if you do go back there again, see if you can get a different nurse.
ReplyDeleteR, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I'm so extraordinarily sorry. I have had a blighted ovum, and had to go through the days/weeks of waiting. I'm just so sorry.
ReplyDeleteHurting for you, R. Wishing and hoping things were different.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry...i have been reading your blog...pretty much from your first post until now all day...i was hoping this was it for you.
ReplyDelete