I'm doing ok. I haven't cried hard yet today, so that is making progress. In a weird way, having the knowledge days before really helped even though it definitely caused pain and worry. I am in the process of making a plan. I think I may be able to live with this plan.
Here is the working rough draft:
1. Tomorrow go get one last hail Mary ultrasound (even though no one including A. is expecting to see anything) at a different lab to finally be able to put this behind me. Stop all medications on Wednesday and hopefully have a natural miscarriage without the horrible pill or a D&C. This part will suck the worst and I will be back to my old crying self when the bleeding starts, but I think all things considered it will be the easiest on my body and I need to protect my lining for future attempts.
2. Set-up the WTF conversation with the Dr. to discuss next steps. I am seriously giving some thought to the idea of testing the remaining embryos as I want to protect myself from this happening again as much as possible There are risks to this. I would have to thaw, refreeze and thaw embryos again. I know they use vitrification now, and there is a 98% success rate to thawing, but I am not sure I want to take the risk. Any thoughts?
3. Continue to get monitored throughout the summer to make sure the hormone levels are back to normal and that the uterus is live tissue free. How sad is that?
4. Begin FET preparations for a late September transfer.
Assuming things work out like this (and honestly when does that ever happen for me), I will be ok.
***
Today, was my last day at school. It technically isn't over for another week, but due to the recent events, I didn't think I would be able to cope so my local dr wrote me a note. When I gave it to the principal he gave me a sarcastic look like, are you freaking kidding me?, but I don't really care. He is not allowed to ask me what is wrong, and I am not telling. It's none of his business. I didn't say goodbye to anyone, I will regret this later I am sure, but today I am no mood to be social.
On the new job front, I am hoping that the formal offer will be made by the end of this week or beginning of next. That will at least be something positive for me to focus on.
***
My sister's news is out. On Father's Day dinner, I wasn't feeling very well (stomach cramping and such) so A. and I left early. She sent me an email asking if it would be ok if she told. At that point, I just said yes. I really wanted to say, NO, OF COURSE IT"S NOT OK, I"M MISCARRYING AND DON"T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, but I didn't. The pity has already begun. Both my grandmothers have made comments to my parents since the announcement. For my maternal grandmother it brought back memories of her struggles. She was married for seven years before my mom was born, which in those days was unheard of. My paternal grandmother made a comment to my dad about how he should help me. Oh if they only knew. I think the actual facts of all we have been through the last three and a half years would shock them and devastate them so that will be kept quiet...at least for now.
I need to find a way to be ok with her pregnancy. I cannot let it drive a wedge between us, but I am afraid that I am so emotional and upset right now that I just don't if I have it in me. This scares the hell out of me. I want to be there for her, but right now, I can't stomach to look at her or think about her. I hope these feelings fade fast.
***
Thank goodness I have an appointment with SJ today, I need to her to help me make sense of all the things running through my head.
-R.
My advice, though you didn't ask for it, is to give yourself time to grieve your loss. I am sure your sister will understand that you are very upset right now about how your pregnancy is turning out and that this will make it difficult for you to talk about hers for a while.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you have a plan.
You are just dealing with so much heartache right now, I don't even know what to say. I think I would be in the same deep, dark place if I were in your shoes. Just the family pregnancy (which I am also dealing with) is unbearable enough, and to heap a m/c on top... it's unthinkable. I'm glad you are already forming a plan, because in this situation, forward progress may be the best thing.
ReplyDeleteim so sorry. its so hard when sibling's pregnancies continue after ours end. so hard. this all sucks. i give up i wanna new life.
ReplyDeletexoxo
I say, talk to your sister, and tell her how you are feeling. At least then she will understand why you are not calling or talking to her as much. I'm sure she would understand how difficult things are for you right now and would totally support you in whatever you need to do for you.
ReplyDeleteOn a more positive note, good luck with the potential new job. I am thinking about you.
-Sarah
Hey R,
ReplyDeleteI THINK you, like me, needs to have a plan mapped out as a way to cope with everything. So as long as you feel okay and A feels okay to move on then do it.
With regard to the embryo testing...if they feel that a thaw-biopsy-freeze-thaw won't jeopardize the embryos too much then I say do it. I believe it will cost about $6000 for the genetic screening. I could be high though...can't remember off the top of my head. The lucky thing is that you have a lot of frosty blasts to work with...I recall like 15 before this last transfer...so definitely worth asking about if this will give you peace of mind. If the method won't drastically reduce your chances I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Your miscarriage option...again I am certain I would choose the same thing. It sounds like your body has already started the process and once off the meds it will start soon...but could be another 1 - 2 weeks. But like you say, and what I also believe, that's what's best. But it may delay your hopes for a late Sept. FET if it goes longer...if it does use the time to grieve and just sit back and take a breath. That's what I did after our m/c's. Helped TREMENDOUSLY...
Now your sister...it's brutal to have such feelings the way you do. To this day I am still not too close with my BIL and SIL's two kids and it's because of the envious green monster and constant reminder/grief. BUT I THINK it would be different if it were my sis' kids but it would take time. In time it will get better. But I can picture your sister feeling awful about everything and just do your best to be open with her when you are ready. I told my SIL and BIL that I just can't be close with their kids right now because they remind me of what we've lost and they understood. They know and I know that in time it will get better and it already has started to get better.
Otherwise, R, you are holding up amazingly well. I know you have your moments but your strength to just keep going amazes me.
If my comments were too forward, I deeply apologize. But you're doing the right thing....I'd do the EXACT thing if I was in your shoes right now.
Hi, I miscarried DE twins. My heart & prayers go out to you. May I, a total stranger, suggest to you that if you do miscarry, that you get the containers from your Dr. and collect the products of conception for Karotyping analysis. I think this will be of great importance and assistance to you as you plan your future steps.
ReplyDeleteNow that I recall, I remember my much younger SIL announcing her pregnancy with her fourth child by her second husband and I didn't like it too much. However, I got over it. I now have fish and they are great - something else to give my nurturing side some use. Since this is her first, try to be happy for her - and you never know, something traumatic could come up with her too. I am sure she also feels bad about what is going on with you.
ReplyDeleteJust be glad that you didn't have an experience like I did. My husband and I went to someone's house for dinner. Another couple with two kids told us we were so lucky we didn't have children. I gave her the look of death and was ready to storm out. However, I figured the look said enough and hopefully she won't make a comment like that ever again to anyone else.
Plans are good, but they often change. I do like your plan for your miscarriage and you may not feel much more than a period at all. Hopefully.
I have had three Karotyping analysis tests and they all were normal. Yet that was not the case. There is a great lady named Danielle Young and she is a really nice genetic counselor at CCRM. You may want to speak with her and she could give you advice.
By the way, I have been reading some of the other blogs connected to your site and I have some suggestions/comments for the one who has had all those IUIs, but I can't post anonymously.
T
Hi R,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are holding up ok. Although I have never had to go through anything as devastating, I know that I am constantly impressed by my own strength to get through each progressive hurdle and I know you will find that same strength. I am glad you have a plan - as you know, I'm a planner too.
I think I might be tempted to test those other embryos. Yes, it will cost you about $6,000 but that might include the cost of the FET as well. I'm not entirely sure about that though - for me, as part of the study with the testing, the cost of the FET is included with the testing, but I don't know if that would be the same case for you. If it is, you are essentially getting a free FET for the price of testing. And like you said, you have to wait anyway to do another FET, so you might as well get them tested while you wait. It just goes to show that you just can't tell the best quality embryos by looking at them.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with the added stress of your sis's pregnancy and the family pity party. It really sucks that at a time when we should be able to be happy for a family member, we just can't find the way through our own pain. My own sister has two kids, one of whom was conceived and born and turned 1 year old in the time that I have been doing IVF. It's hard, but I also love my nephews more than anything.
Keep on posting and we'll keep on reading and supporting you!
R- I am thinking of you today as you go in for the ultrasound. As I have said before, my heart is breaking for you. I think you have a good plan, as good of a plan you can have with this situation. I think having the embryos tested is a good idea and I know there are people who have had embryos thawed and then refrozen with good results.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you. Know that you are not alone and there are people out there who "get it" That was critical for me when our FET failed in February. I wish I had words of advice on the sister front, but unfortunately I do no have a good relationship with my sister for a variety of reasons, but her pg and children were a big part of it. I hope you are able to deal with it much better than I did.
Hugs to you.