I'm doing ok. I haven't cried hard yet today, so that is making progress. In a weird way, having the knowledge days before really helped even though it definitely caused pain and worry. I am in the process of making a plan. I think I may be able to live with this plan.
Here is the working rough draft:
1. Tomorrow go get one last hail Mary ultrasound (even though no one including A. is expecting to see anything) at a different lab to finally be able to put this behind me. Stop all medications on Wednesday and hopefully have a natural miscarriage without the horrible pill or a D&C. This part will suck the worst and I will be back to my old crying self when the bleeding starts, but I think all things considered it will be the easiest on my body and I need to protect my lining for future attempts.
2. Set-up the WTF conversation with the Dr. to discuss next steps. I am seriously giving some thought to the idea of testing the remaining embryos as I want to protect myself from this happening again as much as possible There are risks to this. I would have to thaw, refreeze and thaw embryos again. I know they use vitrification now, and there is a 98% success rate to thawing, but I am not sure I want to take the risk. Any thoughts?
3. Continue to get monitored throughout the summer to make sure the hormone levels are back to normal and that the uterus is live tissue free. How sad is that?
4. Begin FET preparations for a late September transfer.
Assuming things work out like this (and honestly when does that ever happen for me), I will be ok.
Today, was my last day at school. It technically isn't over for another week, but due to the recent events, I didn't think I would be able to cope so my local dr wrote me a note. When I gave it to the principal he gave me a sarcastic look like, are you freaking kidding me?, but I don't really care. He is not allowed to ask me what is wrong, and I am not telling. It's none of his business. I didn't say goodbye to anyone, I will regret this later I am sure, but today I am no mood to be social.
On the new job front, I am hoping that the formal offer will be made by the end of this week or beginning of next. That will at least be something positive for me to focus on.
My sister's news is out. On Father's Day dinner, I wasn't feeling very well (stomach cramping and such) so A. and I left early. She sent me an email asking if it would be ok if she told. At that point, I just said yes. I really wanted to say, NO, OF COURSE IT"S NOT OK, I"M MISCARRYING AND DON"T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, but I didn't. The pity has already begun. Both my grandmothers have made comments to my parents since the announcement. For my maternal grandmother it brought back memories of her struggles. She was married for seven years before my mom was born, which in those days was unheard of. My paternal grandmother made a comment to my dad about how he should help me. Oh if they only knew. I think the actual facts of all we have been through the last three and a half years would shock them and devastate them so that will be kept quiet...at least for now.
I need to find a way to be ok with her pregnancy. I cannot let it drive a wedge between us, but I am afraid that I am so emotional and upset right now that I just don't if I have it in me. This scares the hell out of me. I want to be there for her, but right now, I can't stomach to look at her or think about her. I hope these feelings fade fast.
Thank goodness I have an appointment with SJ today, I need to her to help me make sense of all the things running through my head.