M.D. - 2008

This was the only Mother's Day where I was somewhat happy...

It was the month of my fourth IUI. It was my last chance IUI before taking out the big guns. Needless to say, all my hopes were wrapped in this basket. The cycle went fine, nothing specific stands out in my mind, but after the IUI was where the difference began. My local RE was away during the later part of the cycle. She wasn't there for the insemination as she was part of a Canadian team doctors travelling to the Middle East to give lectures.

A few days after the IUI, I started to have an upset stomach. Cramping. Worse than AF, but not exactly right. It was the day of a friend's baby party so I remember it well. It was Saturday and the following day would be Mother's Day. Instinctively I called my mom and told her my symptoms. She instantly thought that maybe I was having an Ectopic pregnancy (oh mom, didn't we realize that 5dpo was waaaaaay to early for that!), and said I should call the dr. She (who was now back from her trip) told me I should come in right away for a scan to see what was going on.

I woke A. up, quickly explained the situation and told him we needed to leave...now. I don't really remember the drive over because the pain was getting increasingly worse. When we got there, she noticed that I had fluid in my belly - a sign of OHSS. I took a blood test as well and was sent home with bed rest orders and to eat salty foods and drink Gatorade. By the middle of the afternoon the pain was severe. I was nauseous, sick and an overall mess. That's when the phone rang. The conversation went like this:

Nurse: R.?
Me: Yes
Nurse: You had a positive pregnancy test.
Me: Ok, thank you.

I was so out of it, that I couldn't even process what she was saying. I remember feeling happy about the news, but at the same time too sick to care. I. should. have. cared. more. On Sunday (MD), our families came to us, as I was too sick to go anywhere (constantly throwing up, feverish, needing Demoral shots to control the pain). There was little mention of the pregnancy, but we were all happy. We all felt excitement and even though at the moment I was so sick, it didn't matter, I was celebrating Mother's Day as a mother-to-be for once. That, was a feeling that I can not explain in words. It was just joy.

Of course, when I went for my second test the following day, the doctor realized that she miscounted the number of days past ovulation I was (due to her jet-lag) and told me I wasn't pregnant. I never was. It was the HCG trigger shot that was picked up. Still, being sick, I was unable to have the response I normally would have. I continued to be sick and off work for over a week. OHSS kicked the shit out of me. False pregnancy tests did as well.

Today, I am remembering a time where I was almost happy. Will I ever experience that again? Today I am not so sure. Right now, I can't find the light at the end of my tunnel. I finding it difficult to believe that this could work. I am looking for my miracle, but I don't think its looking for me. Today, which was going to be hard anyway, has become impossible. I hope I have the strength to get through it.

**To those you find themselves in similar situations as me today, I wish you peace today as well.

***This is an article that I stumbled upon today, it is a good read for today.
-R.