It has been a really hard few days and I suspect that they will continue to be difficult as A. and I navigate ourselves through this time. Last night we finally were able to begin talking. He was able to get a lot off his chest, which was both difficult for him to say and me to hear. But I think it needed to be said.
Yes, I think the grief and the shock of what has happened to us brought this, but it was probably inevitable. I have been in IF hell for three years and that isn't easy for anyone. A. feels that I put others before him. I didn't know he felt this way. I guess if I'm being honest, I do do that. As I explained to him, he is the only person that understands what I am going through so I think I took that for granted. I feel like I need to act that everything is ok with me in front of our family and friends and its exhausting so I don't pretend for A., I use the knowledge that we have a strong committed marriage to just withdrawal from the world and I guess I need to put more of an effort into making him feel important.
Our problems are not solved...yet. We are on the right track, but we have a way to go. We are going to see SJ on Friday and hopefully she will help us continue to build on the progress that we have started. As A. says, if we weren't in love, we wouldn't be fighting to keep our marriage. I have to keep reminding myself this.
Today is our six year anniversary, but we aren't celebrating or really acknowledging it, and that hurts. I am sad and I feel alone, but hopefully in time it will get better.
So I ask you, how has infertility affected your relationships and how did you come out on the other side?
-R.
So happy to hear that things are getting better. I'm so sorry that this is affecting your anniversary:( I will continue praying that the two of you can work through this.
ReplyDeleteAs for our relationship, it has been so hard. We're doing okay now, but when we lost the baby we went through all of the stages of grief. We're still not done grieving...unfortunately the pain never really goes away. IF in general has completely changed our relationship. I think the financial aspect has been the biggest stressor. Grrrr...I could go on & on. All I can tell you is to hang in there because it will get a little better each day. Keep the lines of communication open! Thinking of you!!!
Infertility is so hard on couples. The main reason most couples fight is money problems and infertility takes a lot of money and no guarantees. This is why it sucks.
ReplyDeleteI know that I am thankful I don't have to work and be around people that talk about their kids or ask why I don't have any.
But, I spend way too much of my day dealing with infertility. Helping others is my salvation. I don't want to spend so much time on it, but I am still waiting for money back from my insurance and there are always more papers to sign. It's like we can't take a break. My husband has gotten so used to it now and does not look forward to it. I try to not mention the things I am doing (calls & etc) and it helps. Sometimes people just need a break from constantly being reminded that things have not worked out.
Both of you should realize that this is completely normal. It sucks and we have all gone through this. You'll pull yourselves together and keep trying.
Do whatever you can to take this off your mind. No one wants to come home to a miserable person and realize that he can't fix it. However, if he sees that you are trying to pull yourself together and move on, it will be a lot easier on him.
You will celebrate your anniversary when you both feel better.
T
IF is hard, excruciatingly hard, on a marriage in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteAfter we failed our first IVF my DH felt a rift with God and it took him in an entirely different direction...changed his beliefs. So one more thing IF stole from us--a shared belief system/faith. He's slowly coming back but I know for a fact things will never be the same, and I mourn that.
I'm glad things are better for you...maybe in a little while you can celebrate your "6 years PLUS" anniversary :)
I'm glad to hear there is talking. That is progress, and that holds hope.
ReplyDeleteI hope that in all of this you also get YOUR needs met too. Maybe I'm reading this incorrectly, but if you feel you need to put on the happy face for the family/friends, and now A wants that from you too, who can you be real with? Someone in your life needs to allow you to express your hurt, and all the yucky that IF can bring. Does he put effort into making you feel important and support in return? As women, we tend to be pleasers, wanting everyone to be happy with us. But the flip side of that is we often don't get to express our less pleasant sides.
Again, I'm not sure if I'm just reading this wrong, and I don't want to overstep. But I want what's best for you too.
(((((hugs)))))
My DH used to say that everyone else got to see the "happy me". When we'd go out for dinner, I would be miserable in the car on the way there but the second we walked through the door I would be a different person (smiling, talking). As soon as we'd get back in the car, I'd go back to being miserable. He called me out on it once after one of our losses and I was shocked. Looking back, I realized he was completely right. It was hard for me because I didn't want to put on a happy face ever, but I realized that if anyone deserved to see me smile and laugh it was my DH. After that, I tried to spent more "happy" moments with my DH. It wasn't always easy or possible, but I knew that I had to try. Since then, I have to admit that things have gotten better...they're not perfect but no relationship is.
ReplyDeleteI agree with T, no one wants to come home to a miserable person...trust me, I speak from experience. Try to show him the "happy" you every once in a while (even it that's hard).
No really advice, just hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you've started at least talking things through and that you're going to see SJ together.
ReplyDeleteOne of our biggest issues is that I bottle things up most of the time. I've definitley learned that talking it through is more productive so I've tried sharing more. It's hard to do that and not get too upset sometimes but in the end it does help.
I hate that IF impacts our lives in so many ways. I feel like every aspect of my life in one way or another is changed by IF. And, of course, the most hurtful is when it damages the relationships with those we love the most. Hang in there...sounds like you guys are taking the right steps.
ReplyDeleteOh, I forgot to say that I do speak with an excellent psychologist that has dealt with infertility herself. I know you are not in the Bay Area, but the lady I still speak with (even though I moved) is Mary Edelstein in Belmont, CA. Maybe some of your other readers can use her too. Talking to people and reading these posts helps not just you, but everyone else on here.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I thought is that since you used a donor, he may be feeling that the problem might have had something to do with him.
T
Hey R...hoping today is a better day and really glad to read that you and A are talking. I think that's so important. We're in the same boat as you...the waters are choppy once in a while but as long as your ride out the storms smooth sailing is ahead (sorry cheesy but at the lake...). But we've had the exact same blow ups and in the end we're stronger for it. Take care...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you are going through this (especially on your anniversary), but it is good news that the doors of communication are ajar now. I hope things continue to improve.
ReplyDeleteI think you know a lot of my relationship problems already, but I would just say that IF has totally affected our relationship, in both good and bad ways. We have definitely had some really rough times, just like you now where I was literally calculating my finances in my head and figuring out where I could afford to live on my own. And as someone else said above, money is one of the main things that couples fight about in general, and IF brings money into the picture as well. In fact that was a big part of our most recent fight, as we have not yet paid off our last OE cycle and now are moving into a DE cycle. We will be floating a bunch of debt for a while and that is stressful.
ReplyDeleteBut, that being said, we are also a lot stronger for all of this. After our big problems in April, and making it out the other side, we do feel stronger and closer. And I think that J. really admires me for everything I've had to endure physically, emotionally, mentally throughout these cycles. I know that he is proud of me. And I love him even more for seeing how much he yearns to be a father. So it definitely has its good sides and bad. As you can see, you are not alone in this and you will also make it out the other side, stronger and better than before. Even though the circumstances aren't good ones, at least they are getting you to talk and communicate, which is the first step.
Have a great weekend! (I know you don't celebrate the 4th of July up there, but we are taking off for the long weekend tomorrow...)
Same with LastChanceIVF...thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteR, I am so so sorry to read about all this. That is so f-ked up for you to go through everything to get here and have it end like this. I am so pissed. But that's not here nor there.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to read that you and A are starting to talk. Sometimes it is easier to put on the sad face at home and act how you need to. But we forget we are not alone, and how much it impacts our husbands.
Keep the communication open, and you'll get through this. Thinking of you and A.
I believe we would have been better off as a couple and individually if we had not gone through IF and infant loss. Still, we did get even better in our communication and reading each other's needs. I think it came in handy when we were having difficulty figuring out who did what after LB was born.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that helped our marriage, now that I think about it, is that I stopped worrying about money so much. DH never did, but I was always worried about saving enough, etc. After you spend $65,000 to have a child, worrying seems pointless. You just make do.
Keep taking it one step at a time. I found out in January 2010 the DH hated talking about the infertlity stuff, baby stuff, etc it was suffocating him. It was hard to hear all this since he's my partner in the journey. How could he not want to talk about our future family? He just wanted to handle the IVF as a process nothing more. So I stepped back talking to him about all of it. I turned my thoughts, talks etc to my girlfriends, blog and online support. It has helped alot in giving DH the space he needs to deal with infertility in DH's way. Besides girls are better listeners anyway.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you and A.