Saturday, May 1, 2010


My grandmother is your traditional Jewish bubbie, sweet, quiet and would do anything for her family. Around the time of my wedding, my grandmother fell and we decided then that she needed live-in help. It was not an easy transition for her to loose some of her independence with now having a caregiver in her house. My mother decided that it would be nice for her if she came to stay at her house on the weekends.

My siblings and I try to spend as much time with her as we can (my mother is an only child and my grandfather passed away when I was six) so that she is not so lonely. Lately, our visits are on Friday nights during our Shabbat dinners. My parents are away on vacation this week and so my grandmother was at her apartment for the weekend. I decided that it would be fun to invite A., my sister and brother-in-law and brother and his girlfriend over to her house for brunch. It was the most amazing afternoon.

I woke up early to get a pedicure (I needed to refresh my red polish to bring me luck for the next lining check) and then went and picked up the food for brunch. I got the traditional stuff and we set up a nice spread at her house. Since she has started spending the weekends are my parent's house, I haven't visited her at her apartment in what felt like forever. It was so nice being there and remembering many family dinners and brunches.

Her apartment is filled with family photos of her family. The walls are covered with wedding portraits, Bar/Bat Mitzvah portraits and some candid shots of us from over the years. In one sense, it is lovely to see that her "art" is us, however, I couldn't help but think about that. What if the only "art", I have on my walls, is art?

On paper, our FET should work. Donor eggs should work. But what if it doesn't? I don't have a back-up plan for my back-up plan. I have always been the type of person to plan out steps B, C and D before A is complete, but this is my last option. I am trying really hard to be positive because this time is different, but it is tough. Being at my grandmother's today just reinforced once again, how much I really want this to work.



  1. i read once on lastchanceivf's blog and i know she read it on someone else's blog so this is in no way an original thought, but i loved it nonetheless:

    it was stated and restated that these infertility stories, yours and mine and so many others' are at heart love stories. two people who love each other so and want to start a family.

    im right there with you. this all should work, but what if it doesn't?

    im hoping for you


  2. Hey rb-k,

    I know exactly what you mean about family photos. It was a few months ago I was going through some old, old family photos of my grandmother and my great-grandmother dressed in their traditional Ukrainian dresses. Once I processed this, I felt an immense shame/grief that I might be the last of the line - will I ever have grandkids or great grandkids appearing at photos of me 70 years from now? I was and still am very saddened by this potential outcome.

    Also now that DE is very much a possibility for us I can't help but obsess over the genetic family tree - would I have a big nothing after me while DH gets a "line diagram" after him - ugh...none of this is easy. Such stupid thoughts I know and genetics IS not everthing but these are thoughts I have from time to time.

    I too really hope this works for you too...more so for selfish reasons as it would give me more strength and hope to trudge down the path you are so bravely forging ahead.

    And if it doesn't well I'll be in your corner when you need me - for now I just try and live for the day and try not to think too far in advance as it's too scary. Sure hope you're able to do the same.

    Thinking of you and read your blog daily...


  3. Thanks for visiting my blog and for leading me to yours...I'm now following. We do have a lot in common! I look forward to getting to know you better and learning about donor cycles. I wish you the best of luck!

  4. I know what you mean about having Plans B, C & D in place before A is complete - I'm the same way!! Sending you tons of thick, healthy lining vibes!!!