Monday, May 24, 2010

Last Day of Innocence

It's 4:20 am, and I can't sleep...anymore. My mind is racing and it feels like it is going at one thousand miles per minute. I am exhausted, but can't close my eyes. Today is my last day of innocence. Tomorrow I will meet my embryos for the first time. It is weird to say meet them, because usually you feel a connection to them as half of the equation is yours, but here, I am a stranger to them. Once we started cycling, it was all so easy (I am not referring to any role I had to play here). Each day, the follicles were growing appropriately, there was a retrieval where we got a huge amount of eggs (my first time ever) and those eggs matured and became full blastocysts (first time ever). Things on that end could not have gone better. It was the first time in my IVF history that I wasn't sitting by the phone waiting for the embryology report. Ok, maybe a little, but there wasn't stress involved, more like anticipation for how many do we have?

It was out of my hands. I wasn't involved so I knew that that part would be perfect. Today is that last day that I can truly relax for a while. Tomorrow I have big decisions to make. I need to choose which embryos to transfer first. I am so torn. Yes, we have fifteen embryos, but seeing as I have never been in this position (or any position involving blasts) I am struggling to understand the importance of grading. If you asked me the grading on 2pn embryos-I'm an expert :(.

On the one hand, I want to give myself my best shot. I am hoping this is it. As much as Denver is a nice city, I am ready to not come for a while. We figured it out that in the past twelve months, A. and I would have spent a total of five weeks in Denver. That's a lot of mountain time. So, I want to use my two best embryos, but I am scared.

What if it doesn't work? What if this lining is the best I am going to get and plan B yields worse results? What if I need a GC and I have no more good embryos and so that doesn't work either?

It's the what if's that could literally drive a person insane.

I am thinking that I need to put the decision in someone else's hands. I am going to go with the instinct of the embryologist and transfer what he/she is best. I'm going to explain my fears so they understand my big picture plan, but the decision will be theirs. This way, at least I can't second guess myself.

Tomorrow, will be exciting and nerve wracking as well. I'm excited that I am finally getting to transfer. I feel like it is a big milestone that I am passing. I have done and now it is out of my hands. That terrifies me. With regards to my IF, I am a control freak. I take doctor's orders literally. I do the required bed rest and then some and I really try to take it easy during the dreaded wait, but it is so hard.

Today is the last day that I don't have to analyze Progesterone symptoms (although my boobs are already sore-please remind of this later). It's the last time that I can live in innocence that this cycle may work without having firm statistics to dwell on. It's the last time I may feel confident about my ability to get pregnant.

That scares the hell out of me.



  1. Good luck tomorrow!!! I hope everything works out really well for you and that transfer is really smooth! They will show you the embryos on a computer screen before the transfer and you can take a picture of the screen if you want (no flash) so make sure if you want to do that, you know how to turn off your flash and get the shot. I'm very excited for you!

  2. Oh your post makes me nervous--but good kind of nervous energy! We'll be cheering you on the whole time!

  3. Good luck tomorrow!! Try not to let the what ifs consume - hahaha, right? I'll keep all the positive thinking for you!!

  4. I'm sending all sorts of good luck your way for transfer tomorrow!! Try to enjoy your 'last day of innocence'!

  5. It's the hardest thing to make these decisions especially when you've faced failure before. I think leaving it in the pros hands can give you a chance to relax all the way down to the bone. Being stressed can not help!! Lots of luck to you tomorrow!!!

  6. Eek, I am nervous for you!!! I hope that you can achieve a state of tranquility tomorrow and that your transfer goes perfectly!!! Best of Luck!!!

  7. I don't know if I can sleep either I'm so nervous for you too! I have zero advice. I can only hope that this is it for you and A. Be kind to yourself and hopefully two weeks from now you will be on cloud 9.


  8. I am thinking of you and wishing for the best. I have been following this and cheering you on! I LOVED that purse. Good luck tomorrow. You have become my ED as well as what to do while waiting in Colorado guide.


  9. Just thinking of you and hoping that everything goes well! All fingers and toes are crossed :)

  10. i like the idea of letting someone else make the decision. i am hands down one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. i am just wishing you the very best of everything, my friend!
    much love

  11. Thinking of you!

    We had the embryologists make the decision for us and they chose what they felt were the best two.

    You have done everything you can do at this point. And that is all you can do. :)

    I do remember it was really cold in the transfer room. (But I was there in Jan) so you might want to be prepared with a sweatshirt or something warm.

    Wishing you nothing but the best BFP at the end of all of this. Know that there are so many of us out here rooting for you!

  12. Wishing you all the best and sending you all the positive thoughts your way for tomorrow!