Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Place for Me

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I don't have to tell you that, you could read it my words and hear it my tone. I am still completely shattered that in terms of my fertility nothing is going my way. Yes, I have an amazing husband who loves me, and a very very supportive family, and a house, and my health (not withstanding my infertility); but that does not take away the constant saddness that IF has brought to my life.

Infertiltiy has striped me of so many things. My privacy, my happiness and my relationships with friends. I tend to pull away and protect myself to the extent of secluding myself. In terms of fertility, I am young. So young, that my entire circle fo friends is in their child-bearing years, and yes, I am bitter about that. Currently, A. and I have five really close friends that are expecting. That is a lot, and it is very difficult for me. Every get together with friends revolves around pregnancy symptoms and babies. Gone are the days where we discussed our latest vacation, work or even mindless dribble. I miss those days. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you can not imagine how I feel. It is not your place to judge me, just support me. Or don't. Just be respectful.

I am not comparing my stuggles to get pregnant with cancer or any other horrible illness or fate, but let's put some things in perspective. Infertilty sucks. Not being able to be genetically linked to your child sucks. Having your entire circle of friends experience your biggest dream while you enviously watch from the sidelines sucks.

I first started this blog to have an outlet. We all deal with grief, stress and emotion differently. We, in the blogsphere, need to support eachother not put eachother down. It is not easy to admit your faults, or let your vulnerable side show, or even share your deepest fears; but that is what I am doing and anyone who doesn't like it can go read someone else's blog!

I am not going to stop writing, thinking or feeling because someone doesn't share my opinions. That is what I need for my sanity. I am not going to apologize for expressing myself.

To those of you who respond and comment with thoughtfullness, perspective and advice, THANK YOU. Your comments mean more to me than you can know, it truly does lift me up and helps me continue to fight for my goal.



  1. I had some anonymous comments a while back that really hurt, too. Luckily I don't get them anymore, and interestingly, when I went back and looked at those posts those comments were gone...not sure if they went and deleted them? At any rate, you do not ever have to justify your feelings to us. I gave up on genetic children as well, and while not as young as you, I was told countless times I am young in infertility terms, so I do know how you feel, to go the distance time and time again and still come up empty handed. It IS devastating, and I can guaran-DAMN-tee you that the anonymous commenter has not suffered infertility or they never, ever would have said what they said. Or if they have (gasp) they should be ashamed of themselves.

    OK, rant over.

    We've got your back and will until you get out of this hell. And then beyond, too :)

  2. That anonymous commenter should be embarrassed at his/her insensitivity. Yes, you are lucky not to have an illness or a broken marriage, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to hurt inside about your infertility and others' fertility. What an idiot!

  3. I don't have a google account, wordpress, live journal etc. so if I use my name, which is Andrea, will that make a difference to y'all?

    I am in fact going through IF and I am your age and I have to use DE after 5 years of treatments. So I certainly DO know how much IF hurts. I'm sorry you were hurt by my comments as that was not my intention.

    My point, which I stand by, is that you have to try to focus on the positives in your life or you will let IF get the better of you and it will literally ruin your life.

    I'll go now and never come back. Good luck to you - and you may not believe me, but I do mean that.

  4. R--

    I can't imagine how horrible it is to have all those announcements and pregnant close friends who constantly talk about symptoms, etc. I personally would have to probably withdraw--don't think I could handle that. Anyway, there's a clip on the CCRM web site where Dr. Sch is talking about his new book, and he starts being saying that infertility is a disease and that people who find out they are infertile feel the same as someone who has been DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER. So, I am not so sure that what you are dealing with is less worse than a broken marriage or illness (it IS an illness!). Anyway, hang in there. I think most of us know that it is extremely difficult to focus on the positives when you are going through this. If only it were so easy!

  5. No one with IF ever tries to compare it to cancer or any other life threatening illness but it IS an illness and one that most of us hide from people. Only my family and close friends have any idea what I've been going through. I too had 6 friends/family pregnant last year and it was excruciating. 3 of them got knocked up by accident and I had already been trying for nearly 3 years at that time.

    I really just wanted to say that most of us reading your blog are supporting you and hoping the best for you.



    anyway, i am glad you finally said something. i don't understand where people get off being assy when comments should be supportive.

    im sorry you had to deal with this on top of your crappy week. im thinking a lot about your lining, is that weird? lol im hoping it is thickening as we speak!!

    like lcivf said, we've got your back. and this is your place. to vent and cry and say what you please.


  7. YOU help me SO very much with dealing with my daughter's infertility(Journey to the Center of the Uterus). INFERTILITY SUCKS so bad that it feels like someone has died to me everyday when I get up. You have every bit of my support, and you and my daughter can cuss, vent, cry, and do any damn thing you want too! She says blogging has been the best thing for her in this horrible mess. She has made so many friends and received so much support. We are even going to visit at the end of the month with another blogger we've become close with. I pray so much that ya'll will both have babies this time next year or be pregnant. YOU GO GIRL!!! :)

  8. Infertility does suck major ass and unfortunately, it manages to come with all sorts of un-solicited advice from the Fertiles of the world. I believe all of us are grateful for what we DO have but that doesn't mean we can't be pissed and sad and frustrated about the situation that we are struggling with. Stay strong, we're here for you.

  9. Just wanted to say.... AMEN! Thinking of you!

  10. You are so right in everything that you have written about IF and what it has done to you and it is very sad when you think about it. If you look around, you will always find someone worse off than you BUT that doesn't mean to say that your own situation isn't bad and doesn't suck as well. You are not taking anything away from those people who have cancer or broken are simply saying that hey - your situation is tough too! It is easy to say focus on the positives but I think that in this IF journey, everyone who has walked along this road long enough will hit a period where IF DOES get the better of you. It's just a part of the journey. I don't know of anyone who has been able to not let IF "get the better of you" at some point. You're so right about one thing thing - this is YOUR blog and you have the right to vent and get out everything here...this is your space to do it and you don't have to apologize for that.

  11. I feel the same way, we've been through 2 failed cycles and I feel myself pulling away more and more from others. It just plain sucks. I barely have enough strength to get out of bed and perform daily activities but I tell myself that I have to. We trying again with ivf3 and hoping and praying this works. good luck!