Saturday, May 8, 2010


I am still devastated. Today, the crying has begun and hasn't really stopped. I went this morning to get my thyroid levels checked. Dr. Google told me that hypthoroidism can cause thin linings, so of course, I am taking matters into my own hands and getting tested. The results will be available Monday.

I am so furious with the nurse and I keep replaying our conversation over and over in my head. Why is she so blassee over the whole the thing? Oh right, its not her fucking body!

I am not giving up on trying to talk with the doctor. On Monday morning I am going to send another email to the nurse DEMANDING that she speak with the doctor about my case. I will then be calling again, to INSIST on speaking with him sooner rather than later. I am just so mad, that she didn't have enough common sense to run this by him on Friday, I could have had four days to build it up before Tuesday's check. Now, I am throwing all my eggs (pardon my pun) into one Estrace pill. How much can one pill really do?

My hormones are out of control. My emotions are manic between so unbelievably sad to so unbelievably mad. I am definietly taking this out on A. It sucks for him too, but right now I am so focused on myself, that I can't bring myself to comfort him. I'm way too much of a mess.

I guess it doesn't help matters that tomorrow is probably the biggest dread of the year. I had thought of this wonderful post about it and a different take on the day, but now I just want to hide from the world. This is the lowest that I have been in a very very long time.

Thank you all for the support and comments. I have read them and appreciate the advice. To those, who have mentioned a GC, I am just not there yet. I think I was able to move forward with DE was because at least I was going to experience pregnancy. I need to hold on to that dream. I need to at least transfer and fail before moving on. Thank you for understanding.

Sorry to continue to be a downer, this is all I have in me right now.



  1. you are not a downer, you are upset and rightly so.
    im glad you are going to call and at least get some answers. i know you were waiting in anticipation that this would be your month. maybe for some crazy reason, you were meant to give birth in march and not february? then, things could be working out for the best.

    do you want to punch me in my face for bringing the positivity? i hope not. im holding hope and peace for you since you don't have it right now in yourself. thinking of you and i can't imagine how hard this must be.

    i hope you find something, even if it's something small, to make you smile today.

    oh, and you are more than welcome to take me up on my offer. anytime.


  2. (((((hugs)))))

    The irony - the hormones are enough to make you feel crazy, but not enough to do what they need to do - thicken that lining! ARGH!

    Perhaps phone calls might be more effective that email to the nurse? Convey the urgency and upset-ness better? Hoping you get some answers on Monday. And hang in there tomorrow. It's a hard day for all of us.

  3. No words just thoughts...praying for peace in your heart very soon.


  4. I am thinking of you.


  5. I hope you're feeling better now...

    It's a hard journey and i hope you find some peace soon...((((((())))))))