...If you put on a happy face.
This is what I am doing. I think it is working. I went to a bridal shower for the sister of the cousin who announced her pregnancy yesterday. It was fine. I didn't feel anything. She isn't really showing and her 2 year old daughter was there to. Again, no emotions. Yay, for the little steps of progress.
At the shower I won the prize, the floral arrangement on the table.
As my father told me, good things come in threes. 1. Shoes 2. Flowers 3. Thick lining?
I was catching up on some blogs early this morning (because I don't sleep anymore) and found this hypothetical story. I hope it brings a smile to your face, like it did mine.
What if the tables were turned?
16 MAY 2010
Posted by silverdollar
Have you ever stopped to think how many babies would be conceived through assisted reproduction, if the tables were turned and it were primarily up to the male half of the partnership to deal with most of the medical appointments and the poking and prodding? It got me thinking about this when DH watched my exam with the RE and was horrified by the “duck bill” thing he put inside of me. As a woman, speculum exams are just, yawn, a yearly experience like getting your teeth cleaned or your eyes examined.
Imagine for a minute if men had to go for all of the fertility tests we women endure (whether it’s male or female factor infertility)? Take the case of Peter and his wife Brenda. They decide to start trying for a baby. He wants to maximize his conception chances and do everything possible to create a healthy environment to carry a baby. He begins eating healthier, drops a few pounds and even gives up his morning coffee and glass of wine with dinner. He starts taking his his morning temperature and monitoring his penile mucus for signs of peak fertility and to make sure he is releasing a sperm each month. After several months of trying he is getting discouraged. He asks his wife and she hadn’t given much thought to how long it had been but told him if he wanted to get checked he should make an appointment for himself.
He goes in to see his family doctor, a woman, of course. She asks a few questions and tells him he’s young and on the right track. She tells him that he should just relax and everything would be fine, he was just being a typical male and over thinking this. His wife agreed with the Dr.
On they go having regular intercourse and Peter starts getting really worried that daddyhood was not coming easily. All of his buddies on his soccer team seem to make babies without much thought or effort. He makes another appointment with his GP. This time the GP tells him that she could order some blood work just to put his mind at ease. The blood work comes back absolutely normal and it is obvious that his testosterone levels and spermulation cycles are happening as they should. She tells him he really has to stop being such a worry wart, but refers him to her specialist friend to get him off her case. The specialist, Dr. Feel-Me-Up is another female doctor, who tells him that there will be a long lists of tests to work through to determine the cause of his infertility. The first is a test where they will insert a tube into his penis and inject dye, then look with a special x-ray to see if the dye flows through his tubes. The doctor says the test won’t be painful. Peter shows up at the hospital for his dye-in-penis-tube test. His wife watches as he winces in pain as the tube is inserted. “Everything looks normal here” the doctor announces -you should have no trouble getting pregnant Peter. Now go home and have lots of sex because after washing out your tubes you’ll have a better chance. Sex? Peter just wants to go home and lie down on the couch and watch a football game.
Another few months go by and he’s getting more and more concerned that there might be something wrong. Finally a test is ordered for his wife. The test involved bringing her to climax and collecting her fluids in a cup. Peter comes home from work to assist with the collection. She makes a big deal of this test. Peter thinks of all the things he’s gone through, but shuts his trap because if Brenda doesn’t orgasm the test will be ruined. They go into the doctor to find out the results of the female-fluid-after-orgasm test. All normal again she’s got lots of eggs ready to find his lonely sperm. The doctor suggests a vacation, and having Peter prop his hips on a pillow after sex. They book a holiday, but somewhere cold because lying in the sun isn’t healthy for his sperm.
Next comes Clomid. Peter wonders why they would give him hormones to make him have regular spermulation cycles when all of his blood work is normal, but is getting desperate now and will try anything. He takes the little pills and turns into a raving lunatic. The doctor also wrote a prescription for daily sex and handed it to his wife, because Peter was so out of it. Peter and Brenda do the deed every day for 3 months. Peter’s blood work shows a good testosterone surge and the release of the sperm. Every month Peter pees on sticks and is disappointed with the results.
They go back to the Dr. again. Peter is scheduled for surgery to see what is the matter with his insides. Brenda looks on and tries to help Peter to process this but is at a loss for what to say. Peter is willing to do anything to carry a baby in his tummy. He endures the surgeries and with still nothing really wrong with him, keeps hoping that they’ll get lucky this month. They don’t.
They consult a fertility doctor, Dr. Pro-Creation at a clinic called Embryos-R-Us. They try a few rounds of a treatment where Brenda brings herself to orgasm and collects the fluid in a cup. The fluid is then inserted into Peter’s penis using a tube (ugghh another tube). They hope that they time it right and Brenda’s eggs reach Peter’s sperm. There are many trans-penile ultrasounds with a special wand that can reach high up inside. After several tries, they are still without a child. Peter has to start giving himself needles to try to boost his sperm production. He takes more crazy hormones, and it is a wonder that Brenda stays married to him. They have a procedure where they put a needle inside of his penis, withdraw the sperm, and combine them with Brenda’s orgasm fluid to try to create an embryo. The embryos then are put back through Peter’s penis through yet another tube. This time their chance of success is 50/50. They borrow money from the bank and family members to take the chance.
Fortunately they do have success eventually and Peter proudly sports a baby bump. His soccer buddies all tease that his wife must have knocked him up just by looking at him -”yeah, something like that” he twerps back meanwhile thinking of all of the people who had to “look” at him in order to get him pregnant. He wished that more men talked openly about how hard it was for some guys.
When it comes time for the baby to be born, Peter hopes for a drug-free penile delivery. He knows that it will be painful, but after everything he’s been through it should be nothing to push a baby out of such a small opening. Dr. Feel-Me-Up talked him through the delivery. Brenda was working out of town, but arrived at the delivery room just in time to see the head crowning and their baby boy being delivered. Peter tears up as he thinks of how over the course of a few years his penis went from a sexy organ for love making, to portal to his insides, and now a delivery path for his son. When his son is only a few months old, someone asks him if they’ll have another child. He thinks back on everything he went through and replies “for sure!”.
Amazing how far fetched this tale sounds when you reverse the genders!