Goodbye 2010!

I am not one for New Year's Resolutions. In fact, I typically don't acknowledge New Year's as a time for reflection - but this year I feel different. 2010 was by far, hands down, no contest, the worst fucking year of my entire life and I literally cannot wait for it be over.

When reflecting on the highlights of my year, I am brought back to those dark places and if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know them too so I'm going to assume that we can all agree, this year sucked. Big time. BUT, here are some stats anyway...

R's 2010 tally:
# of FET attempts - 5
# of FETS - 2
# of miscarriages - 1
# of trips to Denver - 3
# of acupuncture sessions - 56
# of pregnancy announcements - 13
# of babies born - 5
# of job changes - 1

I will say that professionally, I am in a much better place than I was last year. At least that is one thing to be happy about.

My wish for 2011 is that we all find some happiness. Happy New Year!

-R.

Keeping to Myself

I haven't felt the urge to blog lately. There really is nothing going on right now that is worthy of the words - so I'm pretty quiet. I am still obsessively reading your blogs and checking IVFC, but I am not in such a commenting/posting place.

I'm still in the fog, but am no longer crying. It is hard to admit, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. I have spent a lot of time with my sister and niece and still nothing. She continues to be super sweet, but I don't really feel anything yet. I hope that is ok. Maybe that's why I'm ok to be around her so much? It honestly doesn't bother me the way I feared it would. It is like it has no affect on me whatsoever. Which probably is not a good thing.

***

I have been working on my final project for my course for the past week and it is like pulling teeth for me. I have lost the motivation. I am procrastinating as best I can by watching crap loads of HBO Canada. I have discovered two series in the past week that have some sort of IF storyline. Both shows are fantastic with or without the IF element.

1. Bloodletting an Miraculous Cures - this is a Canadian HBO series that takes place in a hospital and focuses around the lives of three doctors. Now try to stay with me as it is a bit confusing. Doctor A and doctor B dated. Doctor A broke up with doctor B and married Doctor C. Doctor A and C can't have children due to a blood problem (not sure I understand this IF problem) so they are asking doctor B to be their sperm donor. I will say that we learn all of this with the first episode, but the series is not about infertility. It is more about the relationships of these three doctors. It is really well done and only eight episodes so it's worth a watch.

2. Boardwalk Empire - this series takes place mainly in Atlantic City during the prohibition time. It has everything from mobsters, drinking, sex (lots and lots of sex), killing and infertility. I admit, I was quite surprised by this storyline, even though it was quite brief. What I enjoyed about it was the honesty that out poured from the female character. It happens towards the end of the first season, but it really is a surprise and well done.

***

In other news, today is CD48. Yup, you read that correctly. I am contemplating POAS to make AF arrive, but don't want to waste my money LOL. No, I don't think I am actually pregnant. That ship has sailed. The only reason I know what cycle day it is because I looked it up on my blog. Seriously, I have no clue when or if AF is expected and aside from the fact that I am majorly bitching out - I'm ok if I never see her again.

I have been drinking caffeine and wine like its going out of style. I stopped my pre-natal vitamins two months ago and I haven't seen my acupuncturist in ages. If I was pregnant (which again, I am not so please no miracle thinking) I would have some serious doubts in the medical profession.

My plan is to give it a few more days and if still nothing, kill myself. Ok, not really. I will probably put a call into NN to see if this is normal or not.

Thanks for continuing to follow although with sad story of mine, I wouldn't blame you if you traded me in for a more optimistic read!

-R.

Things I Heard At My Sister's House

"Who does she look like?"

"I think I see you in her eyes".

"She has your mom's nose".

"Let's compare your baby photo to her".

"She has grandma's chin".


These are the comments that will never be said about me and my baby. I know genetics is not everything, but it is still really sad.

-R.

In a Daze

I think there is something wrong with me. I have literally spent the last four days with my sister and niece and I appear to be fine. Is it numbness? Is it denial? I don't know, but whatever it is please let it continue. I know my limits and what I can handle, but the surprising thing is that I just don't feel anything.

Today I went in a number of baby stores and didn't cry. WTF? I have never been able to do that. To my credit, I was on a mission to find her some preemie size clothes because she is so tiny, so not a lot of time to roam the stores, but still. No tears. A. told me yesterday that he is both proud of and impressed by me. This meant more to me than anything. It shows me that he is acknowledging my pain and recognizes how difficult this situation is. I am not denying that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I am doing it.

I'm not strong. I am putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. At the end of the day, my sister was the one who took care of me when I had OHSS, held my hand and examined the clot in the toilet, rubbed my back when the physical pain of the m/c was too much and loved me when the emotional breakdowns occurred. I owe her this. I want to be there for her as she has always been there for me.

***

Things with the GC are continuing to move forward. We have begun the legal process, however I waiting to get 100% CCRM approval before I submit the retainer.

***

I am in full on wedding planning mode too for my brother's wedding. It has been a much needed baby/IF vacation and I couldn't be happier about that. When I am not with my sis, I spend my days on the phone inquiring about bands, venues and wedding dates. I am in heaven.

To those that celebrate, I wish you a Merry Christmas. May this be the year that brings you closer to your dreams.

-R.

Things have been unpredictable. Aside from my niece, my brother got engaged as well! It has been a really exciting time for my family. This is definitely one of those times where I find myself saying, "happy for them, sad for me". I feel like everyone else's lives are just moving forward to these amazing places, and I am stuck in the depths of hell.

SJ told me yesterday that I am depressed. What else is new? Wouldn't you be, if you were me? I am numb. I am ok to be around my sister right now. I don't even cry anymore...numb. I will admit that today when her pregnant friend arrived, I had to leave, but other than that, I am doing ok, I think.

I am probably in for a big shock when this really starts to sink in. Changes are coming. My relationship with my sister is going to change. Right now, things are so new and I am not really processing what is going on around me. I am just surviving day to day as best I can. I am not happy.

Focusing on things that are because of the baby, but not for the baby help me. I have been cooking up a storm for my sister. It is something I can do, that shows I care, but I don't need to be there. I wish I was able to do more. I would love to be very hands on, but I just can't right now. Maybe in time, but not now. She understands. It's just really sad. I'm just really sad.

I hope in time things will get easier.

-R.

She's Here

I'm an aunt! My niece, was born today at 7:25am. She is small and precious and healthy. Thank you all for your support, it really helped knowing I am not alone. You were right, it hurts like hell and I am an emotional mess, but she is perfect and I am already in love. It was really difficult seeing the joy and pain in my parents eyes. I tried to keep it together as best I could, but at times it was just too much.

I won't lie, last night was difficult. I went from zero to sixty instantly and couldn't get back to my happy-zen place. But, I was there for my sister the entire time. We texted the entire way to the hospital (I distracted her from the pain with my humour) and I checked my phone a thousand times throughout the night looking for updates. At 5:30 this morning, we got the call that she was ready to start pushing and off I went.

I had planned to go alone so that I could prepare myself, but that too was not to be. My sister's SIL is my next door neighbour, friend and fellow IFer (who found success after multiple IVFs two years ago) and I drove together. As much as she claimed to understand, she can't. No one can.

I kept biting my tongue...hard to stop the tears from flowing (who are we kidding, rushing) down my face. Seeing the pure joy on everyone's face was difficult and yet amazing at the same time. I will say that at times, I felt pitied. People looked at me with those eyes. Those sad eyes. I look at myself with them.

Visiting hours only start in the late afternoon so after a quick peak and a mazel tov, we left the hospital. I have the next five hours to wrap my head around this. I think I can do it. This is by far the hardest part so far.

-R.

This Is It

It's happening. Her water broke. Please give me the strength to get through this. Please let my sister and her baby be ok. Please let me be ok.

-R.

Losing It - UPDATE

Last night was incredibly difficult for me. It was probably our last family dinner without babies. My brother and his girlfriend are going away for two weeks so we went out to celebrate. My family (and sister included) is usually very sensitive, however last night destroyed me. The amount talk about pregnancy, delivery and aftermath was too overwhelming for me. I did the only things I knew how, I avoided the conversation and made some snappy remarks about useless shit to my sister. I don't think she was too happy with me last night, but I am not too happy with her either (I am still no where near ok with any of this).

I have been a basket case of emotions. Last night I cried so long and hard in the shower that I needed to take something to allow me to sleep. Shit. I am not strong. I am not coping. I am not ok.

I have been on pins and needles all day about the GC appointment. NN has been giving me small updates, but I don't expect to hear details until much later. So far, things are going well. NN had not received the letter from the MFM dr as of yet so I went to his office to go all postal. Well, the administrative assistant didn't show up for work today so of course the letter could not be faxed. I am ready to lose my mind. WTF is this shit happening? I just can't take anymore. Does he not realize how incredibly difficult it was for me to walk into an OB office? Seeing the pregnant women and their doting husbands while I am...not. I managed to keep it together long enough to see the actual dr myself, however he was unable (or unwilling) to look for the letter and fax it off. As long as she is there on Monday, it will get done.

Something has got to give. I really hope today's appointment goes well and it is the beginning of something positive. I honestly can't take anymore disappointment. It is too much for one person.

-R.

UPDATE: I just heard from NN. Everything looked good with the GC today. It will be two weeks until the blood work and personality tests come back, but that shouldn't be a problem. Since she just delivered in July, we can't start FET prep until after 6 months, so we are looking at a mid-Feb transfer. Ok, I can live with that.

GC and her DH are on their way over right now. They are spending the night here and I will take them to the airport in the morning. I am freaking out. I have all my eggs in this basket (excuse the pun) and it has to go well.

-R.

Panic Attacks

Every time the phone rings or my BB indicates an email I find myself nauesous that it is my sister. The baby is coming. Her due date is approaching (Jan 1) and it could literally come anytime now.

In theory I am so over the moon excited for her to be a mom, my parents to be first time grandparents and for A and I to be aunt and uncle. In reality I am petrified. What if I can't stand to be around the new baby as it is just too painful? What if I am the worst aunt and sister ever? What if my own jealousy and anger rips my closest relationship apart (me and my sister)?

When I think about the massive mountain left to climb still, I feel overwhelmed. At times, it is hard to breathe.

-R.

Hello, I'm R.

Yesterday A. and I drove 1.5 hours and met the GC and her family. Until now, all our communication has been between her and I and mostly via text and email (although we have had the occasional phone call). I was a mixed bag of emotions - to be expected I guess, but in the car on the way over it really hit me, why we were going.

A. and I were joking on the drive over that it didn't matter, she was just our oven, 'Kitchen Aid' is what we jokingly referred to her as, but we were so wrong. She was so much more than we could have hoped. Her and her family were so warm and inviting, it really made thankful that we found someone so relatable. She and I are around the same age and so were A. and her DH, so already it was easy. (She told me that her last IPs were in their 50s - so she was happy with us too.) Her children were also adorable. At first, I thought that I had no interest in meeting her family as this is a business relationship, but again I was wrong. I realized that assuming she passes the ODWU on Friday and I know this a huge assumption, that we will be in each other's lives for the next year if not longer.

Wow. There are so many emotions floating around inside me right now, but for today I am thankful for her and hopeful that she passes the tests on Friday. Please please please let Friday be ok.

-R.

The First of Many Steps

Big sigh of relief. The GC had her appointment with the MFM dr today. I was literally on bated breath all day waiting for her to call with the recommendation.

He approved her! He said that since didn't develop the preeclampsia symptoms until the very end of her pregnancy she is a low risk for a reoccurance. He gave her a 7% chance of this happening again, which (no dr...yet) think is low.

We are both comfortable moving forward as is NN. This is the first piece of good news I have had in a long time. I am going to ride this wave for the next week.

Next step - ODWU on the 17th!

Fyi- I wrote my letter in class that night. I wrote that I hope I am closer to motherhood. Not too much on the subject as I still don't want to be the one devastates myself next year.

-R.

A Letter.

Tonight was the final class for my course. The facilitator had us write a letter to ourselves that she will mail to us in January 2012. I didn't know what to write. Should I write that I hope to finally be a mom? Um no, because if the letter arrives and I am still no closer to motherhood I will fall apart. I just stared at the paper and watched as the other class members began writing away as if they had no cares in the world. Oh, how I wish I had no cares.

What would you write to yourself today, that you will read in a year?

-R.

Our party was a great success. Thirty people were crammed into our house and feasted on bagels with tuna, egg and cream cheese, lasagna, bean salad, tomato bocchinni salad, sweet potato and zucchini latkes and regular latkes too. It was quite the meal. Everyone is so appreciated and fun was had by all.



A. and I have been hosting this party for five years now. Each year we get better at it, we know how much food to make, how long we will need to get things organized and how much money it will cost. We got this. We look forward to this party all year long. I wasn't so into it this year. For one, I was anticipating my sister's water breaking in my kitchen and the entire party would focus around her labour. Thank goodness that didn't happen. I had also dreamed about being very pregnant at the party this year. I would be in my third trimester by now, getting ready to be a mom, but instead I am stuck in this place and watching as literally everyone else I know either enjoys motherhood or is preparing to.

As of now, we still have no word from the MFM dr on when or if he will be able to see the GC. I have approached a second dr as a back-up and am hoping to hear something tomorrow.

When I first started this blog back in January, I posted every day. My goal was to post until my baby arrived. As the time passes and I am no closer to my dream than I was back then (actually I am farther) I find I don't mind letting time pass between posts. I am just really sad. My heart aches to be a mother and give A. children, and I think I am finally (a little late) realizing all that I have lost. I will never see my face in someone else's and I probably will never experience the feelings associated with bringing a life into this world. It hurts. A lot.

I find myself staring at my sister. The image of her replies in my head and I can't help but ask what she did to deserve this and I don't? At least when it was DE, I knew I would experience a pregnancy or if it was just GC, I would have my genes, but to have neither is just cruel. I just need this nightmare to end. People tell me (all the fucking time) that once I hold my baby in my arms, the pain of this struggle will disappear. I find that hard to believe, but I am so ready for it be less. I can't take the pain anymore.

-R.

The Look

Tonight A. and I went to an engagement party. We met a lady that grew up with A.'s dad. She asked us if we had kids, we replied no. She then asked us how long we were married, we said 6 six. Then she gave us the look.

0R.

Deep Breaths

The countdown has started. December has just begun, but already I feel myself wishing the days away. The update on the GC is that she passed the initial phone screening (yay) and is going to Denver for the ODWU on Dec. 17th. We are still waiting for the appointment with the MFM dr, however I think we are making some headway in that area. Dec. 17th is also that last day of class before winter break and that is going to be a much needed break as I am exhausted from all the stress in my life.

We have also started the countdown to the new arrival, my sister's baby. I haven't talked about it much lately because my life is filled with other time consuming drama, but it is still unbearably difficult for me. I love my sister and I am excited to be an aunt, but...

My brother and I decided that we were going to buy her a diaper bag for her present. Since I am the shopper of the family it was my job to pick it out. I literally took some deep breaths and entered a baby store. I kept my eye on the prize and didn't get too overwhelmed. I picked this bag.

I was actually quite proud of myself for keeping myself together. It was only after when I went to the greeting card store that I started getting upset and needed to leave - before purchasing anything.



***

I have to say a huge thank you to Pumpkin for giving me this award. She recently discovered that she is a carrier of familial dysautonomia, a genetic disease that is common in Ahskenazi Jews and she is understandable shaken by the news so please go over and send her some love.

So many of your blogs are amazing and to single out just 5 is difficult, so please consider yourselves all nominated!

-R.

Happy Hanukkah

Tonight we light the first candle in honour of Hanukkah. It is always a special time of year me that is not tainted by IF (unlike what I am sure Christmas is to many of you). We do not do presents or even have big celebrations, except for one rockin' family party hosted by us. A. and I through a mean party and we do go all out, so this should be fun. At least I am excited for that, I guess its something.

To all that celebrate, I wish you a Chag Sameach filled with lots of grease and carbs.
-R.

I didn't mean to scare anyone about my mental state. Yes, I'm in a deep dark place, and I am not exactly coping (I even turned down a quick appointment with the local RE), but I'm not suicidal. I'm breathing and taking it one day at a time.

Things remain status quo. No news from the peri on an appointment date for the GC, NN hasn't called her yet either - so we wait. You know how I love that!

In other IF related news...

I must wear a huge neon light up sign on my forehead that screams, I can't get pregnant. Today I had an encounter with a teacher at the photocopier. She started off talking about how God only gives what we can handle, and no matter how much we want something we only get it when God says so. Um, FUCK YOU lady. Then she continued to tell me about her daughter who never wanted kids, then found out she needed help, so she had IVF, so what! My response, she's lucky it worked and I walked away.

Seriously?! This cannot be my life.

-R.

UGH

Yesterday A. and I met briefly with a new RE. We are actively researching doing another DE IVF locally, or so I thought. Right now, the thought of doing anything just terrifies me.

On the one hand, you can't get hurt if you don't try. I feel like this is the same coping mechanism that my students use. They don't want to look stupid or feel badly if they do poorly so they don't try. Not good in school, but where I'm at currently, doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

On the other hand, not doing anything terrifies me. I can't be stuck in this place for much longer. Something has got to give. One way or another, I need to know my future. Whatever that may be.

I am just sick of fighting this stupid fucking battle that I did not willingly enter. I want off the ride.

-R.

Making Plans

Today was an exhausting day - especially since I was off work. Every minute I have had different ideas of what to do and what to think. I woke thinking I would go in one direction and by the end of the day, I am leaning in a different one.

First, I am paying the agency fee which entitles me to hold the GC for as long as like without making any decisions. It also makes AL continue to look for alternatives in case I need one. I decided to call NN and clarify the facts. Yes, if the MFM doctor reviews her file, goes over the risks and clears her, we are good to go. The GC still needs to do the initial phone screening before the ODWU and that will happen this coming week. I have also sent in a referral for the MFM doctor and we will hear on Monday how he wants to proceed and the timeline.

I also spoke with the head embryologist at the largest clinic in Canada. She confirmed what Schoolcraft said about vitrified embryos, and I have decided that my embryos need to stay put. Although I believe this clinic to be excellent and with a top notch embryology lab, there are so many different procedures for vitrifying embryos that I am not willing to take the risk. I don't want anyone practicing on my embryos.

On Sunday I have an appointment with a local RE at the clinic to discuss doing a DE IVF there. The price of the cycle is one fourth of that of CCRM so I may just leave those embryos in Denver for now, and pursue a new cycle (still using a GC).

I met with SJ today and she is worried about me. I am trying. I am doing better. Yesterday I was drug free. Its a start I guess. Once I have a plan, I feel better. Even though nothing is official yet, I am making plans. For today, I just thankful that I survived another day.

-R.

Where I'm At

I'm sorry I left you all hanging, but I just couldn't deal. I still can't, but I am getting better. Here's a recap of the last three days:

- NN calls Monday night to tell me the GC was rejected. She found that she had high blood pressure and symptoms of preeclampsia for two weeks during her first pregnancy.
- NN was not very nice or empathic about the situation, in fact when I tried to prompt her for some more info, she was unwilling to go into details.
- Devastation kicks in.
- I email Sj and AL to get the ball rolling on next steps.
- Tell A. and email my parents.
- Take a Vallium and cry myself to sleep.
- WTF call with Sch.oolcraft. didn't go well. I did not get a warm and fuzzy feeling from him. I asked about testing the embryos, he continues to say that it is unnecessary. I asked about using this GC, he doesn't recommend her, but if I get a peri to sign off on her, he will allow, I asked about transferring the embryos to Toronto, he feels that would kill them.
- I don't know what to believe. At this point I am just so tired.
- I brought up adoption with A. last night, he is not on board while we still have embryos (with his sperm) waiting.
- I am meeting with a local clinic this week to discuss the logistics of bringing the embryos home.
- Just so fucking tired of this shit.
- Took Valium every night this week at 7pm, in bed sleeping by 7:30pm. I just want the pain and heartache to go away.

-R.

Rejected

You guessed it, the GC doesn't meet the criteria. I'm just done. I have no more strength.

-R.

Staycation Celebration

Our staycation celebration was lovely. A. and I arrived at the hotel around 5 (I was in class all day so we couldn't leave earlier) and we just chilled in the room for the next few hours. Have I mentioned lately that I am loving red wine?

We went for a delicious dinner at a trendy little resto in the area. A. had elk carpaccio and risotto (two kinds - goat and lobster) while I enjoyed a simple arugula salad and homemade gnocci - yummy. Of course there was wine, lots of wine!

After dinner, I took A. to my favourite dessert place in the city and we had these:

(LC, I used to LOVE diet coke, but have decided to continue not drinking it, but don't worry, I am more than making up for it with the amount of coffee and speciality lattes I am consuming.)

(Seriously, this is quite possibly the creamiest milk chocolate fondu I have ever tasted.)

After dessert, we took our time walking back through one of my favourite streets with trendy shops all ready with their holiday windows and then hit the sheets for some much needed rest.

It was so nice to escape our heads for the night, go out and have fun. We both really needed it.

This coming week is filled with craziness for me. I am hoping to finally connect with NN tomorrow to work out a plan and then have my WTF with Sch.oolcraft on Tuesday where I will be grilling him on his thoughts about testing the remaining embryos (your thoughts on this are so welcome)j followed by Parent Teacher Conferences at the end of the week. I'm exhausted just saying all that. Needless to say, its going to be an emotional roller coaster of a week.

***

This morning I reached out to two IRL IF sisters. One suffered a devastating pre-term loss of a DE IVF with no remaining embryos. The other, new to the tribe. It was not easy for me to put myself out there, but I have received so much love and support from all of you, that I wanted to do the same for these women.

-R.

Pay Back

I asked NN to call me today to discuss the situation. She finally called at 545pm MT. Seriously? I waited all day for the phone and then finally went out to dinner and forgot my phone. She did email that she will look over GC's file this weekend and get her on a short dose of BCP to bring on a period early. Ok, its something I guess.

Tonight at family dinner, I did what I could to get through the night. I drank. A lot. This week I have rediscovered my love affair with wine and caffeine. Oh the caffeine, how I have missed you these past years. I can literally count on one hand the amount of decaf lattes I've had since starting at CCRM. I think I have had Star.bucks everyday this week. I guess that's a bright point.

Tonight at dinner, it was flu shot night. My dad brings it home and we all get vaccinated. A. let me inject him. Seriously, why in the world would you let a drunk amateur inject you? True love. In four years of being on stims I have never given an injection. Today was the day. It was exhilarating. I felt free. Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know. Either way, I liked it.

-R.

It Dropped

The other shoe. I have lost my sense of calm. I was doing well, really well actually. I had a plan in place and I was feeling ok. I got a call from the GC last night. Apparently she began spotting on BCP - she never spots. This.Is.Not.Good. The spotting is consistent and is now being classified as AF. Oh fuck. I call email NN to see if we can get her in early for screening, but since its Thanksgiving there are no spots. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I have to wait another month.

I should be used to the waiting. I should be used to delays. I am so not. I have been crying off and on all day. I even broke down in front of a friend before going to dinner. In four years, I have never lost my cool in front of someone other than immediate family. Never. I tried pleading with NN, but it didn't work. There just are no spots. This can't be happening. I looked at the calendar. The next she will be ready to go for the screening will be Christmas. I am sure the office is going to be closed so this will just further delay me. I just don't know what to do.

I really needed to have this plan in place before my sister gives birth. She's due, January first and now it doesn't look like this is going to happen. Haven't I suffered enough? Why can't one fucking thing just work out the way it is supposed to? I am so ready to just give up.

-R.

Disconnected

AF arrived yesterday with a vengeance. I didn't cry at her presence, come to think of it, I didn't even give it a second thought. I wasn't expecting it though. I was caught completely off guard and unprepared. But again, not devastated. I find this weird.

Am I denial? Why do I seem ok right now? I should be hysterical. I should be having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I should be wishing time away. I'm not. I think I'm doing ok right now, and this scares me. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is it possible that I am just so used to disappointment and devastation that it no longer affects me?

I'm sad that this cycle failed and that I have lost the chance to be pregnant. I'm angry as hell at this too. So why do I look and sound ok?

Is it because A. and I are actually on the same page? Or that I am so excited that we are planning a romantic night this weekend to celebrate our shitty luck (I booked a hotel on Pric.eline and a nice/trendy restaurant)? I just don't know how to describe what I am feeling and this is not like me. I think I must be in shock. It's the only thing that would make sense.

Oh shit, it is going to suck when the reality finally sets in. I am not looking forward to that. Maybe I stay in this state of calm oblivion forever. No, I can't. I need to process what is happening, because things are moving along with the GC and I need to get my head in the game. NN should have received her medical records yesterday. Assuming everything is ok, I can book her check-up for the end of this month. Once that step is passed, we can begin the legal work and then start preparing for the FET. On paper things seem to moving forward. I anticipate a Jan/Feb transfer if everything goes according to plan (when does that actually happen - especially with me?). So I need to start processing my feelings for all of this. I just don't know where to start.

Should I be worried that I am not more upset? Is this a normal reaction after everything I have been through in the last four years? Do I need an intervention?

I just don't know anymore. I am numb. Maybe for now it's a good thing.

-R.

I'm doing ok. I'm working hard and trying not to think about the disaster my life has become. So far, I have only needed to take a Valium once, so I think this is progress. As much as it was difficult seeing the one lonely line day after day, I think it helped me make this all seem real. I haven't processed all that this means and the enormity of the situation and to be honest, I don't really want to right now. For today, I am working on not crying and getting through the day. It is a lot easier said than done.

-R.

Coping

I'm here in Ottawa and I survived (barely) the night. I emailed NN in the morning and told her to email me the directions for stopping meds as I didn't want the call. She did. It was easier to take that way.

I managed to avoid full hysterics all day, but there moments - many moments of hidden tears, deep breathing and biting my tongue.

I had to have my go to feel better food. A McDonald's chocolate shake. I haven't eaten anything from there in years, but it was so good. In high school when I was down, I just had one and felt better (like when I broke up with a bf). The best part was, I texted a friend to tell her what I was drinking and she just knew. I didn't have to say the words and that was really nice.

A has been a surprise through all of this. I had been prepping for the news for days but he wasn't ready to hear it. Finally on Thursday night he did. He told me how proud he was if me for continuing to fight and never giving up. Wow. I guess I didn't realize he felt that way. He also said that its time we celebrate. We need to toast the end of a long fight and the beginning of a new one (hopefully one with far less battle scars). I thought this idea was perfect. So next weekend we are going for a night on the town. If anyone is from Toronto and has some suggestions, I'm all ears.

I think about where we were last summer and I am so proud of us. We found our way back together stronger than before. Maybe this is the lesson I'm taking away from this all? I don't know.

I'm still raw, devastated and shocked. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I haven't had time to really process what is happening. Aside from our parents no one knows about our latest trip or our plans and I'm not sure how/when/if to tell. Advice is welcome here.

***

The conference itself isn't proving to be the best distraction at all. I am usually the youngest person in attendance by 20 years, but there are a handful of us 'youngsters'. We went around and introduced ourselves and of course I get seated beside the over-the-moon first time pg gal who must have thrown it into conversation 100 times. Seriously, the marks in my tongue may be permanent. I was so distraut that I went to bed early with my bff - Vallium. I managed to sleep and at least I know what to expect today and who to try and avoid.

The speakers and activities planned for the weekend sound promising and informative so at least the weekend won't be a total disaster.

-R.

Beta Day

Last night I had the most beautiful dream. I dreamt that I had never miscarried last summer and it was time to meet my baby. I was woken from my sleep by some stomach cramping and within two short minutes, my baby was out and he was beautiful.

I didn't want to wake up. I don't want this dream to be over. I will never be pregnant. I will never experience the movement or the feeling of a baby inside me.

Walking into my local RE for this mornings test was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in the last four years. I thought I was ok, I thought I was prepared. I was wrong. I'm so profoundly sad that things did not work they way we all hoped and thought they would. The pain of this latest failure will be with me for a long time - probably forever.

I just can't believe that I'm back in this place yet again.

-R.

8dp5dt

The lonely line is still present. It wasn't horrible this morning. Don't get me wrong, this mother fucking sucks, but at least I didn't cry. I managed to make it through most of the day without shedding a tear or even welling up. It has sunk in though, this cycle failed. I will never be pregnant. I am that farther from reaching the end of this journey.

A. and I had a really great talk about things tonight. We are both committed to eachother and our GC plan. Yes, we hate that we are in this place, but we are going to try and move forward and not let this completely devastate us (me). I told him, I will try and be brave and positive, but if (when) his sister announces her pregnancy all bets are off. He understands. It was really nice being able to rely on eachother. Usually, when we get devastating news (and lets face it, we get it a lot), we each grieve in our own ways. To some degree this is still true. I have been hysterically crying and grieving all week, and he is only beginning to now. I know I still have a long way to go before I am able to accept what has happened and all that I have lost, but I know I will get there...eventually.

Tomorrow, I leave A. for a women's weekend away to the Capital City, Ottawa. I am looking forward to some much needed time away. I am just really hope I will be able to keep myself together on the train when the call comes.

-R.

7dp5dt

I slept well last night; probably I had exhausted myself from the early morning fanatical crying and cleaning session followed by an insainely long day at work. When it was finally time to wake up, I checked again...still just the one line. I will admit that somewhere very far in the back of my head, I thought that maybe my second line would show up just like so many of you. Kicked in the teeth again. I am probably not going to test again, it just upsets me. I am way to fragile and need to keep my shit together at work. It is all I can do not to start crying at every drop of the hat, I have managed to sneak a few tears here and there, but I leave the sobbing for my car.

In other news, my GC finally got all her medical records and they are going express post to CCR.M first thing Friday morning (tomorrow is Rememberance Day and the post office is closed). So at least that is something in the right direction.

Again, thanks for your sympathies, prayers and friendship I shudder to think how broken I would be without all of you.

-R.

Getting Through the Day

Thank you for not judging me and continuing to hold out hope, when I fear there is none to be had. For the record, tonight's test is still BFN. This morning, I was at my worst. I need to apologize to you. Infertility is not the Pain Olympics and my pain is no worse than any of yours. We all suffer. BUT, I still admit that if you have found success, it is different.

I am trying to move forward and be ok with the way this is playing out, it just make sense to me. Why would it begin to work last time with a thinner lining, and now not? It just doesn't make sense. I guess this is one of those things that I will never know the answer to.

I am constantly on the verge of tears and feel like I could fall into a million pieces at every turn, but I am holding it together as best I can. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. Only a few more days until this limbo nightmare will be over.



Just thought it was appropriate.

-R.

6dp5dt

This morning's test showed the same BFN. Thank you for your comments from yesterday, but I really feel at this point that it is over. Most of you have known me long enough to realize that I am not one of those people. You know the ones, from Science class. The ones who cried after the exam and swore they failed only to find out a few days later that they got one of the highest marks in the class. I hate those people.

This just plain sucks. I must admit that I am a little surprised it didn't work. I eliminated every obstacle (my eggs, thin lining...) and still, to come up with a negative just sucks. A. still thinks its too early. It is early, but I know how I feel and I honestly just don't think I will ever experience any part of my family planning process.

They say that every pregnancy is different, unique and not to compare, but we all do it. We compare to past cycles and other people. We feel upset when someone gets a positive at 5dp5dt or when we did last time. Last time, I just knew. You know how some talk about that bullshit, you just know. It's true. Last time, I wasn't scared at all to POAS, because I knew how it would turn out. Now, I just have sadness. I know this too. I know this cycle didn't work. I know, I will never have a genetically related child OR experience pregnancy. I know that most of you have found success and I am happy for you, but for the >4 of us that haven't, you have absolutely no idea how much pain there is.

I would love nothing more than to eat my words tomorrow and announce the viewing of a second line, but I don't think its going to happen. I need to start really preparing myself for my future. I need to find a way to be ok with the shitty hand life has dealt me. Yes, I have many things to be thankful for (an amazing husband, supportive and loving family, great job, house...) but knowing the one thing that makes you a woman is broken is something really hard to get over. If it was just my eggs, ok I would deal. I did, I went the donor route and to be honest, since I 'said goodbye' to Ms. Perfect all those months ago, I haven't looked back. If it was just my uterus, I could deal as well. But both? Come the fuck on, I'm only 31 years old. This just isn't how it was supposed to be.

Once again my body has betrayed me. Once again I have let myself and A. down. Once again we have wasted tens of thousands of dollars at a stupid what if. Once again I am just devastated.

-R.

5dp5dt

I woke up at 3am, but thought it was too early. I forced myself to lay in bed for another two hours. 5am the stick showed a BFN. I have lost all hope. I know it is early, but I did see a second line quite clearly last time. I am preparing myself for the worst.

-R.

4dp5dt

Last night was rough. I was exhausted and decided to make it a very early night. No, I don't think this is hormone related, I just had a long day. The ute' cramping continued through the night and at 2am, I started to get vivid dreams about POASing. I had this feeling that it would be ok. I mean doesn't everyone get a positive at 2am somewhere between 3dp5dt and 4dp5dt? Um NO. Neither did I. I wasn't that upset. I realize it was just too damn early, but there was something telling me I needed to do it. I am not going to try again today, but tomorrow it is on. Last time, I got a faint line in the evening of 5dp5dt, should I wait until after work or do first morning pee? I need to know, this waiting is killing me.

In other news, my SIL and new BIL have returned from their honeymoon. I am expecting a pregnancy announcement. Just for once, can something go my way?

-R.

3dp5dt

I have had AF-like cramps all day. I am taking this as a good sign. I want to POAS, but I know it is way to early. I need to know. The hope returned with the cramps.

-R.

2dp5dt

I'm in this weird place. On the one hand I am hopeful, but on the other, I have been here before and know how badly things can end. I have been awake for hours now and just thinking about the last time I was in this place. Last May I was so filled with hope. I had changed the biggest variable, my eggs and was feeling something going on down there. I have those feelings now. I am overly aware of my uterus right now. I feel the AF-like cramps and tugging and pulling sensations. So far, things are exactly the same as last time. This scares me.

I am trying to be positive, but it is just so difficult. I am scared. When I get out of bed this morning, my official bedrest will be over. I will be out of that stage forever. It's bittersweet. I am ready to move on, one way or another. I need to move on. The thought of analyzing every single twinge for the next seven days sounds like torture right now. The fact that I have twinges to analyze about brings me hope. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.

No matter what happens, I have no regrets for this cycle. I did everything I could think of to make my chances optimal, and they were...for me. I am proud of my luscious lining and think we transferred two great embryos. On paper, this is a good cycle. Life isn't paper though. At least not mine. It is so difficult to be optimistic when you have experienced more BFNs and loss than one should have to endure.

The last time I was here, on 2dp5dt, I thought about how this would be my last time in Denver. Will that be the case this time? With everything in me I hope so. I just don't know.

-R.

1DP5DT

I looked back to May when I was 1dp5dt and the day was identical to today including our choice of dinner restaurant. Weird.

A. has been taking great care of me and it has been nice to just veg out and relax - especially after the last couple of weeks I've had.

In terms of feeling something, there is definitely something going on in the lower abdomen region. It is cramping and I'm highly aware of the session. Yes, its probably just the progesterone, but again I had these feelings last time.

In other news I got an email from AL asking what was happening. I was honest with her and told her where I was. She's being great about everything, but I would like to put all the GC stuff away until I find out of I need it.

I know this may not end up the way I hope, but I'm trying to believe in miracles. Please let this be my miracle.

-R.

I'm PUPO! - UPDATED

I was surprised at my being able to sleep last night. Yes, I woke up a few times throughout the night, but overal, I was pretty relaxed. A. and I met Lisa and her DH for breakfast in the hotel lobby this morning. I was feeling pretty relaxed and in a good place, emotionally.

When we checked in at the clinic, the phelbotologist remembered me. That's never a good sign. She didn't know me by name, but by my veins. We laughed about it and as I walked out, I said, "I hope to not see you again for a really long time". We both laughed. I was taken into the transfer room and prepped for acupuncture. There was a new person doing it that I hadn't met before and to be honest, I didn't care for her. In the past, they have always explained what each point stimulates, but she was silent and some of those points hurt. It wasn't anything too bad, but different from my past experiences.

When it was time for the transfer, we were all set to go. I had my new good luck transfer socks on and my moonstone necklace.



Dr. Sch.oolcraft ended up changing his schedule around and was there for the transfer. I joked with him that he couldn't stand to be away from me. I asked what he thought of my amazing 7mm lining, and he used the word, luschious. Seriously? Me, with a luscious lining? I then asked about my embryos and he told me they were as good as they could be for being Canadian! I guess when you have had as much contact with him as I have had, we are now at the point of jokes. He really lightened up the mood and it made a huge difference.

We ended up transferring two day 5 blasts. One was 100% thawed and reexpanded and the other was 99% and moderately reexpanded. I am happy with this and I think they are the most beautiful embryos in the world.




When he was leaving the room, he said one final thing to me. He told me that if perserverance and determination could affect the outcome, than I was an Olympic Champion. I thought that was nice. I mean, we all know, it doesn't affect the outcome, but it was a really nice way to end my last transfer with my uterus.

Overal, I am feeling really calm and at ease with everything, but of course, that will change as the days go on and the realization of this weigh on my mind. I gave it my best shot and I really hope this will be the beginning of an exciting nine months.

I felt your thoughts and prayers today and really appreciate them. I would be lost without this amazing community.


-R.

UPDATED: A. and I brought in PF Changs for dinner. My fortune cookie read, "avenues of good fortune are ahead for you". Oh please come true!

Happiness - *UPDATED*

Today was absolutely perfect. We had the easiest flight (the plane was practically empty so we each had our own row to spread out) with no complications or wait times. When we arrived at the car rental, they upgraded us to a larger vehicle as the category we chose was all sold out. The first offered us a pick-up truck...hell no! We are city people and we don't know how to drive trucks. So, they gave a us a minivan instead. I'm choosing to take this a sign.

We then stopped for lunch at one of our favourite places, Ted's Montana Grill, because we found one right off the highway in the direction we were going! So awesome. After lunch, we made a quick stop at CCR.M to get A.'s communicable blood drawn and fill out the many many many consents. The best part was when I asked for the bill, they said I didn't owe any money! I questioned them a few times and then let it go. I suspect a nice fat bill will be waiting tomorrow, but only time will tell.

Then it was time for some retail therapy! We hit the Outlets and A. surprising did the most damage. I tried on tons of stuff, but nothing much did it for me. I was happy for him, as he is not a huge shopper so we got him some much needed apparel. By 4:00pm we were exhausted. We quickly came into the room to get changed and then headed to another favourite, Maggianos. Usually I order the gnocci, but I needed to get some new energy flowing through me so I stepped it up and changed my order. I made A. do the same. We were both happy with our meals and I felt good about adding to the positive karma.

Last it was the piece d'resistance for me, meeting my friend, LisainSK and her DH A. The four of us connected immediately as if were old life long friends. We talked about everything from TTCing to traveling and everything in between. The best part for me (aside from the obvious of seeing Lisa) was that this was the first time that A. has ever had a male to speak to. This summer when we met up with Cassie, we had an equally awesome time, but sadly her husband was not there. Tonight, A. got to get another man's perspective on going through IF and what life has been like for him. I believe this to be a life changing event for A. He is such an open person, but no one IRL gets it. His friends have kids which were conceived with no medical assistance so he really hasn't had an outlet to express himself or hear from others. I am truly blessed to have found this community and especially those who I have had the fortune of meeting IRL (Cassie, T, Lisa).

Tomorrow is D-Day. I am ready (I think). Wish me luck at 1:15MT.

-R.

TRANSFER GOT MOVED UP TO 12:15MT.

It's Finally Here!

We are getting picked up in a few minutes to go to the airport. Never did I imagine this outcome. Originally, I thought I would have been in Denver last week with GC getting her testing done, so this just continues to literally blow my mind.

I had my last ever acupuncture for fertility session last night, following by a long aromatherapy massage. It was bitter sweet. These women have helped me through some of the most challenging times in my life. They had brought me the tissues as I lay on the table with tears streaming down my face more times than I would like to admit. They were willing to try new protocols and even call Denver's people to make sure everyone was on the same page. It was truly a wonderful experience (minus the actual needles of course).

This feels like the end of this journey. I'm doing ok...right now. I am really happy that I am going in to my last transfer with my uterus with my best odds to date. I feel good.

Transfer is set for Wednesday at 1:15MT. I have already felt you all with me every step of the way so far and I have to thank you for that. The outpouring of love and support brings me to tears.

-R.

Feeling Better

Something is helping to take the itch and soreness away form down there. Maybe I am now acclimatized to the medication? Maybe it was the ice pack that I shoved on my crotch last night? Maybe it was the fact that for most of the day, I was in a bathrobe with no underwear to air out the region? Maybe it was the fact that part of the antihistamine protocol started today and the Claritin is helping this? Whatever the reason, I don't really care. It is still not perfect, but I can live with this.

I'm starting to become overwhelmed with the amount of work that remains unfinished. We are going for dinner to A.'s parents' house tonight and I have been working for hours. I wish I could close my eyes, click my feet together three times and poof, my work would be finished. Oh well. I guess will just have to bring it with me.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy. I have an early meeting with a parent, a two hour workshop in the middle of the day, and I need to find time to photocopy the lessons for when I'm away. Couple that with my last ever acupuncture for infertility session and another lymphatic massage and you have one busy R. And to tell you the truth, I don't care. I am finally transferring with a decent lining and I would leave all the other shit behind for this one real chance at success. Yes, the back-up plan is good, but now I feel like I might actually have a shot. I was too stunned and surprised last week to ask what my stats are with this transfer. I know that last time, he gave me a 65%. I am so hoping for at least a 70%, but it is what it is. I am not going to stress over this. I feel good about my little lining that could, and I am hopeful that all the protocol changes will lead me to a live baby in nine months.

***

A. and I do not celebrate Halloween. I used to back when I was in university and I always had some random costume with a group of friends (3 out of 4 dentists choose Colegate, the characters from Mario Boys - I was the one up, an identity crisis, a road...); but since we were married, we really haven't even acknowledged the day at all. I think it's for the best as I can only imagine how difficult the reminders must be with having trick-or-treators knocking on the door all evening. To those who continue to struggle with IF and give out candy, wow. Good for you. I don't think I would be able to do it.

Getting Ready

This morning I woke up and had my p4 drawn. It came back looking good at 12.4, so that is a relief. The weirdest thing is happening though. I think by now, it is established that if there is a side effect listed, I am going to get it. I have been on Endometrium four times before now, and do not remember this, but I have a sore and itchy hooha. Yup, it is quite uncomfortable actually. If it doesn't get any better soon I don't know what I am going to do. Did anyone of you experience this? If so, what did you do to feel some relief?

I got an email from GC today. She has started her pills and AF should be arriving in 32 days. I didn't say anything. I wanted to, but I was too scared. She is so excited and I don't want her to freak and leave me, in case I need her. I hope I won't regret this decision later on.

And in preparation plans, I worked all day on my lesson plans for when I'm away. I'm missing four days of school, so it was a lot to get done. It is always so stressful being away, and an unexpected long trip, is just daunting. Luckily, I'm all done and emailed the plans to the supply so I'm good to go. I will spend tomorrow writing Individualized Education Plans for my students and then I go to Denver and relax and not worry about work. Oh, that will be so nice.

I think I called the Homewood fifty times today, hoping that there was a way to stay there. The beads are so much better and so is the TV. Finally, on my last call, they said the magic word, we have a room. We are booked! I am so happy. Things are really falling into place.

-R.

Disbelief

I was in a state of complete and utter shock yesterday. I was not expecting a good outcome, in my head I was hoping for a 5mm lining so this 7mm just blows me away. I didn't ask the sonographer my measurement, she offered the info up as soon as she saw it. I was literally gitty. The nurses were also excastic. It is funny how people get excited at the littlest things when they don't expect much (my local RE actually paraded me around her office when I got my first follicle - seriously). None the less, yesterday was a totally awesome day, made so much better by all of your comments.

Today, I'm a wreck. Not in a will it work kind of way, but in a I'm not prepared kind of way. I am usually the person who has the calendar memorized and meds ordered weeks in advance. Right now, I can't keep it all straight. My head is spinning and I am finding myself scrambling to make sure I have enough meds. After a few frantic calls to my pharmacist, AKA mom I am all set, but now I can't remember what to take and when. I am adding in the antihistamine protocol, but can't remember when to start it. I think its on Sunday, but again, I just don't remember.

The other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind, is if I should disclose my plans to the GC. I have been 100% up front with AL, but haven't mentioned anything to the GC. On the one hand, I want to be open and honest. If I need to go this route, I don't want any tension or secrets. BUT, what if I get pregnant and don't need her? Is it fair for me to string her along? AL says it is up to me and doesn't think I need to tell (A. agrees), but I just don't know. Any thoughts?

The most exciting thing on my mind is meeting LisainSK for real! Over the past months, we have become extremely close and this is just the icing on my cake. I only wish I hadn't told all of you to stay at the Homewood as it is all booked up. It's the Staybridge for me. I have stayed there many times, but I so much prefer the Homewood beds. Oh well. Maybe it is good to have some new karma?

Tomorrow I am going for my p4 check, and assuming it all looks good, I will be set. Thanks again for your continued support, it means the world to me.

-R.

What Will You Be Doing On November 3rd?

I will be transferring with a 7.0mm triple pattern lining! I can't believe it. Thank you so much for all the support, it has been amazing.

-R.

Treading

Tomorrow's my next lining check. I'm just going through the motions right now. I'm not optimistic at all that my lining will have magically thickened up. It's a strange place to be, not wanting to cancel, but wanting to at the same time so that I just move on. I am so ready to be done with all of this. Enough is enough.

Don't get me wrong, a super thick, triple patterned uterine lining would be nice though!

-R.

Relieved

I was on pins and needles all day waiting to hear back from NN regarding the next steps for the GC. Things have been moving at warp speed and although I am excited to finally have some hope again, I couldn't help, but realize that things were getting out of control.

Luckily, the decision was taken away from me. NN said that the first step is to get the medical records approved. As well, we can only schedule the ODWU testing once I am 100% committed to the process. I sort of understand this, but am a bit bummed. GC told me that she won't be ready to go back until the first week of December. That just seems like an eternity from now. On the other hand, I am glad that my focus can be on myself for the moment. I need to send all the positive energy I have into my lining so that on Thursday it is showing at least a 5mm.

I was watching Brothers and Sisters and they used a term that so applies to me, womb envy. Yup, I have that and that is why I am going to focus my energy for the next few days on my lining and not on the GC.

-R.

My Head is Spinning-UPDATED

There is so much spinning in my head that I can't process. Maybe that's why I have been slacking on my daily posting, maybe not? I have a hardened shell. I'm different than I was when I started this journey. I'm different than I was when I started this blog. There are many parts of me that I am proud of. I am a fighter and I think I am strong. But today, I just feel tired.

I keep thinking about my ultra thin lining (4mm remember) and in a way it is comical. Over the past year, my lining seems to be deteriorating at an alarming fast pace. Each cycle is worse than the one before it. I have given up in my head. I am so ready to move on, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. I am still going through the routine of taking the meds, putting on the patches, shoving the estrace up and going for acupuncture. Nothing.Is.Working.Here.

The conference call went well, better than expected actually. I really didn't know what to think before going in, but the agency lady (AL-don't have strength to come up with a cute ID) took control. She facilitated the conversation and asked us both questions and follow-up questions. At the end, we were able to ask each other other things that were not brought up. I was honest, very honest about what I want/need from this partnership. I want to involved. I want to attend as many doctor appointments as I can, I want to chat weekly and email regularly. I want to spend time with my belly (and her) and talk to it and touch it. I want to start bonding with my baby(ies) early. She seemed really ok with this. After the call, she hung up and I stayed on the line with AL to digest the call and decide if I want to proceed. I explained my fears to her and she told me that sometimes with repeat GCs it can be like a crap shoot for how they will respond. WHAT? Are you telling me that after all of this, she could reject me? Oh crap, I was panicking. We hung up the phone so she could her and see her thoughts, AL promised to call right back. It took more like an hour for this to happen. I was freaking out. Finally, she called back to say its a match. I have never been so relieved or happy.

So where do I go from here? I am still pursuing my own FET, but I don't have much hope for getting to transfer. The longer it will take my ute' to build up, the more chance I will have of losing my pattern. My new logo: it is what it is. I am also going to try and get her in for her pre-screening testing this month. Her expected period start is on Tuesday so I am hoping that she can get in in the next two weeks. I think from there it will be around 2-3 months as we need to do the legal stuff and start prepping for the cycle.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope. It is not the way I imagined this journey going, but it is what it is.

-R.

As I'm working away on the couch in my pajamas the door rang. These were sent to me from AL. How nice is that? The card read, thank you for letting us share in your journey. CCRM, you could learn a little something...just sayin'!

I Shouldn't Be Surprised-UPDATED

I have officially checked out. I just can't do this anymore. I am going forward for A., but in my mind it is over before it began. My stellar lining has clocked in at a remarkable 4mm. Yup, you read that shit right, I am moving in the wrong fucking direction. That is crazy low. If my last three FET prep attempts are any indication, my lining tends to thicken about .3mm every five days. At that rate, it will take me two months to get a 6.5mm and I will loose my triple pattern. So ya, I'm pissed. I'm just done. Bring on the next step.

Oh and in case you know something about hormone levels that I don't, here are mine:

CD9
lining- 4mm
e2 - 3756
p4 - 6.07
lh - 0.709

-R.

UPDATE: Just finished the conference call and she is awesome. We officially have a GC! I'm still planning to work on my lining, but get her screened in the meantime. Finally, at least something positive happened today.

Not Myself

I have not been obsessing over tomorrow's lining check. It's weird, of course I want the triple pattern and at least a 6mm, but it is sort of like I have given up. I even had chocolate a few times this week (nothing major, just a handful of m&ms or a couple of cookies, but chocolate none the less). I have never had chocolate or caffeine of any kind while prepping for a cycle, and yet, I don't seem to care this time around. Maybe its because I have given up, or no that I am not going to produce a stellar lining no matter how much acupuncture I do, or maybe its because my back-up plan is getting in place.

I haven't processed the long term reality of using a GC. Sure, my head understands, but my heart? I'm not so sure its caught up. I keep thinking that this may be the way for me to becoming a mother and so the end justifies the means, but it is scary and incredibly sad. My IF scars run deep and this is just another layer in the hole.

Tomorrow is a crazy important day. Lining check, work evaluation, SJ appointment, conference call with GC and my BFF is giving birth to her third baby (second time she lapped me). Yup, tomorrow may very well suck. I am trying to prepare myself, but really, how does one prepare for constant disappointment?

-R.

Emails

I never thought that my story would inspire people. I thought more like the opposite, the 'I don't want to be like her' story. Over the past few months, I have been receiving many emails from you, that show support, care, comfort and some great advice. You have told me your stories and how they are similar to mine, and have helped me to feel less alone.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I can't tell you how much it helps me to feel less alone.

-R.

PS- I don't know if it is the potential GC or the potentially
upcoming FET, but I am feeling more optimistic lately. :)

A.'s sister's wedding was absolutely beautiful. They had the perfect fall day and with the change in leaves, it was the perfect backdrop for pictures. From flowers to bridesmaids' colours no detail was left behind. They were the most beautiful couple under the chupah (Jewish wedding canopy) and they looked truly in love. I was so honoured to be a part of their special day.

***

Thursday is going to be a really big day. My fist lining and hormone check will be in the morning. This will be a good predictor of when I might get to transfer. I am really hoping for a number of at least 6mm. Second, I will have my first formal evaluation at my new job. I am not overly worried about it, but I still need to put a lot of thought into what lesson I am going to do. Then I have an appointment with SJ which I am looking forward to as a lot has happened in the last two weeks. Lastly, I am going to have a conference call with the GC and the agency. I am freaking nervous for this. Yes, I am committed to the FET and hope and pray that it will be successful, but I am also moving forward with this new plan. My mind is racing with questions and I can't believe how fast this is all happening, but then again, why wait? I am excited at the chance to be a mother soon. One way or another, I will parent a child. Soon.

-R.

Best Birthday Present

Yesterday was better than expected. I slept in (a rarity), went for brunch with A. and a girlfriend, and spent the afternoon getting mani/pedis and eating frozen yogurt. If that was all that happened, it would have been perfect. While sitting with feet in the hot water I got an email from the agency asking me how I feel about a 28 year old mother of two. My first reply was, "where does she live"? I decided that I for so many reasons I want to be actively invovled in this process and I want someone younger than me and the first two profiles that I was sent didn't fit my criteria. This one does!

She seems perfect. She has been a surrogate once before so she 'gets it', already has two kids of her own, so really understands pregnancy and the reasons why I want to be involved AND she lives 1.5 hours away (by car). This way, I can be at all milestone appointments and even visit when I want, but don't have to worry about running into her in awkward moments throughout my life. I could not have asked for a better situation.

Of course we are still focused on our FET, but if I have learned anything from the last four years, it is that we need to have a back-up plan in place. Now we do. A. and I are both excited.

-R.

Beta Day...No Way!

Today should be my beta day. No, the fact the Tren.tal is working BIG time to help my AF, seriously working if you get the idea, does not mean that I have forgotten this fact. Its on my mind constantly.

Tomorrow, I'm another year older. I hate my birthday, it is a slap in the face that my failing body is getting older. I thought 30 was the absolute fucking worst year of my life, but 31 is not starting out so well.

Sunday is A.'s sister's wedding. It is going to be lovely, but I can't help but play my MIL's words over and over again in my head about how they plan to get to pregnant on the honeymoon. I really don't think I will be able to take that. It might just push me over the edge (not literally).

I go for my first check on Thursday and then we will see where I'm at lining wise. I just need to breathe right now.

-R.

Here We Go Again

CD1 is here, let's get this party started! Estrogen starts tomorrow. Sometime in the next two weeks I hope to be on a plane to my beautiful embryos. If not, well I have a back-up a plan for that.

-R.

Moving Too Fast

Things are the GC seem to moving at warp speed. The agency emailed me today that they found me a potential GC, um what? That seems a little fast. The carrier they found for me was almost perfect. Great personality (from what I could tell from the profile), healthy, four previous successful natural pregnancies and always conceived on the first or second month (what the hell is that like) and seems to have altruistic reasons for wanting to do this (of course money comes into play, but I don't think it's the driving force. The down side is she's older than I would want, 39 and she lives quite far away (definitely a plane ride and a time difference). I didn't commit to her.

Maybe if she was younger, I would feel differently about the distance, but I struggle with this. I still am so upset with my body letting me down at such a young age that it is so difficult for me to turn to older women for help building my family. This is the part that stings the worst for me. If you are in your late 30s or 40s you may not understand and may think I am being silly, but I promise if you were 30 fucking years and your egg donor was older than you as well as your GC, it would suck.

I am not ready to commit to anyone right now. Its too soon. In the next two days I am hoping to get AF and then will get the ball rolling on my final FET. Without Lupron and waiting for a thick lining, I estimate the transfer will be around two weeks from CD1 and I really want to focus my energy on positivity for this cycle. I know its a long shot. I know I may not even get to transfer. I know it might not work. I know it might work to only get ripped away too soon. But I need to try and I need to believe, otherwise, what is the point?

-R.

Taking Step 2

I have been feeling yucky for a few days now. I can't remember the last time I had a cold, but I have one. Sore throat, stuffy nose, dry cough and all over achiness...yuck. This is why I didn't post yesterday, I had a lot to say, but fell asleep.

***

Yesterday, I went out with two girlfriends for massages and lunch. It was really nice to spend time with them and it felt great to get out of the house. I was really looking forward to this day as I really needed a spa day. It was my first time back at the place where I was truly happy. We went to the same spa I was at when I got the email, my second beta had doubled. My dreams and prayers had finally been answered. I had crossed over to the other side. 547 was such a strong number, it all went to hell shortly after that. I expected it to be much harder to go back there. I prepared myself the entire way there and then braced myself before going in. It wasn't that bad. My locker was on the opposite side of the change room so I never had to go to that place where I first read the email. I didn't tell my girlfriends about this, it was a personal moment for me and I just didn't want to share that piece.

I still managed to enjoy the massage, and even relaxed in the steam and sauna (which I wasn't able to do last time). The pregnancy thoughts were never far from my mind, but it wasn't so bad.

Today, A. and I filled out the intended parents form for the surrogacy agency. Neither of us is really ready for this step, although I am almost there. I am really tired of the hormonal ups and downs and just need to move on. He is supportive, but not quite there yet. We are on the same page for most of the questions, but the ones about contact with the GC is where we differ. I want to be a part of every part of the pregnancy. I want to attend the OB appointments and feel the baby move, and be in the labour and delivery room. I need to feel like I am a part of the process. It's not my egg, not my genes, not my uterus. I need to be a part of the process. It's different for A. He is a part of it. It's his sperm, his genes and his link. He understands how I feel and is totally supportive, but he just isn't interested in maintaining a close relationship with the woman who will carry our child. Is this typical?

In terms of our connection after the baby(ies) is born, that is a different matter completely. He is adamant that he wants no contact. I don't know. I need to distance myself from the GC at the beginning for sure, as I need to feel like the mother. I need to be the one who cares for this baby. I want to be there. I think A. is right, but then I hear stories about the amazing GCs and the relationships they form with their intended parents and I want that. It's not just business for me. I guess a lot of this will depend on the GC and how we mesh together. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here. I just need to get my head settled so my heart can catch up.

It should be noted that I have told A. that this is my last chance for right now. Even if I get cancelled again (which could happen as we know), I'm done. I'm tired of fighting and I just need to move on. He is on board even though this is is difficult.

-R.

Taking the First Step

I made contact with the surrogacy agency that SJ told me about. Actually, SJ had already spoken to woman in charge on my behalf so she knew a little about me. It was a very difficult phone call. I had many pauses where I just couldn't believe what I was talking about and then I started to well up. I was in my office at school, so I fortunately, I couldn't get too out of control with the crying.

She walked me through the process and if you put the piece of me not actually being pregnant aside, it is not that bad. This agency takes care of everything. She told me that it may take a few weeks to find a GC as the criteria for CCRM is quite specific (imagine that) and she wants to make sure that the GC will pass the check-up. OK. She also said that I can begin looking now, and if by some miracle we don't need to go this route, we are under no obligation. That is such a relief. I was so worried that I would need to pay the agency up front for looking for the GC, I feel much more comfortable now. We only need to pay once the GC is approved. I can handle that.

I got a basic outline of the fees and it seems in Canada, it is not nearly as expensive as the States. Since it is illegal in Canada to pay someone to donate their gametes or carry the pregnancy, the fees are greatly reduced. The 'compensation' is for out of pocket expenses and the like.

Breakdown of fees:

$8000 - $12000 legal fees (covers all pre and post items for both me and the GC)
$18000 first time GC fee
$2000 for twins
$2000 for c-section either elective or determined necessary by OB
*don't have the specifics on the agency fee yet

There will be some hidden costs as well. For example, if she gets put on bedrest, I am responsible for the difference between her lost wages and sick benefits.

In the end, the price is close to a donor cycle at CCRM, crazy expensive, but in the end what isn't these days?

The next step is to put our profile together. This is where A. and I sit down and go over what we are looking for in a GC. This is infinitely harder than looking for the donor. There we had criteria, there were no what if questions. With this, it is the what if questions that freak me out. I don't know how I feel about selective reduction or termination of pregnancy if god forbid a disability is found so how can I answer? This is something that A. and I will need to consider very carefully. To those of you that have been through this process, any advice you can share would be so appreciated.

I have to say that overall I got a good feeling from her and it sounds like it would be an easy relationship. Phew. I have very high standards for my reproductive team and so I am glad she passed my initial once over.

I am also so impressed with A. I thought he would freak out at me taking this step, but he was really good with it. He hopes (as do I) that it will not come to this, but he is supportive of this next leg of the journey. I am so lucky that all the shit from the summer is finally completely behind us. We are a united front and that is how it should be.

When I started this blog last December, I never imagined myself in this place...

-R.

Support

We in this community are amazing at one thing...support. Tonight, two of my friends could really use some right now. Please go over and give Patience and Lis a big hug.

Thanks.

-R.

SJ Says

I have been reading your blogs, but haven't been up to commenting lately. Please forgive, I promise to be back soon.

I finally had an appointment with SJ. It felt like forever since I last saw her, and I really needed to process my feelings. She agreed, I'm a mess. I equated my low right now to the same level, but different pain from the summer. Its not good.

She asked me what I was doing to be proactive. Honestly? Nothing. I think this is one of the reasons I'm so down. She gave me the contact info for the best (in her opinion) surrogacy agency in Toronto and instructed me to contact her. Holy shit, I need a surrogate. Ok, maybe not officially...yet, but she thinks there is a very real possibility this could be the direction I go. This coming from the same woman who told me not to get ahead of myself is now urging me to contact surrogates. Holy shit.

I'm going to make the inital contact, but I'm so scared.

-R.

Thinking About What Could Have Been...

This morning when I logged onto my computer my iCal popped up, “ET today”. I guess I hadn’t synched my blackberry with my computer since the cancellation. I quickly shut it down, but the in-your-face reminder was not something that I needed today.

My strategy of keeping extra busy has been a good one. Most days, I barely have time to go to the bathroom, let alone process my feelings; but today, all I can seem to do is think about it.

  

-R.

- $330

Yup, it costs money to cancel a cycle. FMFL. If I put all the airline cancellation fees in a jar from the past year, I would be able to cover an FET! Just another reason how this all sucks.

-R.

One Foot In Front Of The Other

My goal for today was to not cry. I accomplished this.

-R.

PTSD

My sister ordered her nursery furniture today. I was ok with it, I even asked her to describe it to me. It doesn't sound like my style so oddly, it was ok...I was ok. A few hours later, I started crying. I guess this is another symptom of the PTSD.

SJ has been away at a Canadian Infertility Conference in Vancouver this week so it has been difficult for me to process all that has fallen apart this week. She did tell me that she spoke to many doctors at the conference and they all agree that too much emphasis is placed on the number associated with the thickness and that the pattern is more important. At least I feel better knowing that cancelling was the right thing to do. It doesn't make it suck any less though.

It is a funny place to be, this in between place. I am not actively cycling anymore, but the constant reminders are still there. Today, I was scratching my stomach when I felt the leftover residue from the patches. Ouch. I think I scratched it away and left a mark, but I just needed it gone. I am slowly weaning off the meds. Two patches every other day and prometrium three times a day; I hate the reminder.

A. has been great. He is totally supportive, but he can't truly get it. A FET for a male isn't real until you are in the transfer room. I am the hormonal mess on top of the emotional mess. I have moments where I see clearly and am thankful that I didn't go through with it, but most moments are sad. Sad that I failed yet again. This is my fourth cancelled cycle this year alone. It is different than a delay. If you have never experienced a cancellation, you simply cannot understand how badly it sucks. Delays are easy. They too suck (I have had many of those too), but they don't impact your persception of yourself. It is not about how you performed or how you failed. I have said before that a cancellation can be worse than a BFN and in many ways it is true.

It is a different kind of failure. A BFN is the worst, but there are so many factors involved that it is hard to blame one thing. This failure was all me. My stupid lining didn't cooperate. It is my fault. I am to blame. Rational or not, these feelings of low self worth won't go away. I know that my inability to get pregnant does not define, but right now it just feels that my life is one BFF (big fat failure).

-R.

I'm sitting in a Starbucks drinking a decaf vanilla latte and eating banana chocolate chip cake...I'm cancelled.

This morning my measured a thick 7.1mm, but still homogenous so its the end of the road for this cycle. Right now, I am coping. I have to. I am not at home in the comfort of my bed and I tool the last of pills last night, but I am devastated. And angry. And scared.

Plan one million and one is now in full effect. I have scaled down to two patches every other day and begin taking oral progesterone tonight. I should expect a period in 10 days. Then I will start this nightmare over again.

Thanks for all your support this week, it means so much to know I'm not alone.

-R.

90210

Spolier alert

This season on 90210 they are introducing a donor egg storyline. Whoa, I did not see that one coming. I thought that watching some brainless TV would take my mind of my crying, but no. I took an Ativan at 1pm. I slept until 6pm. Now I am in a fog, dreading tomorrow. Thanks for the support.

-R.

No Decision Yet

I just got off the phone with Sch.oolcraft. I think this was our shortest conversation to date and unfortunately, I have had many. He is of the opinion that the triple pattern is more important than the thickness of the lining. Crap. He is fine with me transferring like this, but my chance for success is around 40%. No fucking way. I did not go to donor eggs for 40%. He said that he has seen cases where one day it is triple and the next it is not and then it is again...he also has said a few times that he does not think my lab is the most accurate and doesn't 100% trust their findings. Crap. As well, he told me that he didn't think it was possible for the huge difference in ultrasound measuring yesterday and not to worry about that. He also reminded me that my lining and uterus are shit and he doesn't have a lot of hope for them anyway so really, it is up to me what I want to do.

Here is the plan:
- Go for one ultrasound tomorrow morning. If the pattern is there, I will go ahead with the transfer. If not, I am going to cancel.

- I can begin prepping my lining with my next period and go from there. We made add Lupron to keep me suppressed, but I am not sure. We are also going to monitor me extremely closely and not make any calendar plans. Once my lining reaches around 6.5 with a triple pattern I will begin taking progesterone and transfer six days later.

I really need something to work out for me right now as I am not coping at all. I just can't take this anymore. FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

-R.

Too Upset to Type - UPDATE

- Today was my first time at my local RE's new office, I have seen her in 3 locations. FML.
- My lining check came back awesome at 6.8, but no triple pattern. FML.
- I went for a repeat ultrasound at a different clinic and indeed, there is no pattern, BUT, my lining measured at 6.0. FML.
- I am waiting for NN to call and cancel me. FML.

-R.

UPDATE: I finally got a hold of NN early evening and now I am so conflicted. She said the Dr was not concerned about the homogenous lining and if I am comfortable transferring at 6.8 then he is too. She said that estrogen can cause the change in the uterus and that it is not a problem. I told her about my second ultrasound and she said that more likely than not it was done incorrectly. She told me that it was not possible that my lining decreased as compacting does not happen that fast. Ironically, I am glad that I still have my appointment to speak with the Dr tomorrow and hopefully will understand the situation better and decide what to do. I have decided that this will definitely be my last attempt with my uterus as I am just completely worn out and stressed out from all this shit and I need to move on one way or another.

Booked

I decided to take the plunge and book the flights. I am happy with my lining and hopefully tomorrow when I have my last check it will have increased a bit, but if not that's fine too. I just pray that it has not compacted. I really need this to go my way. Please please please.

-R.

To Fly Or Not To Fly...

It took forever for NN to respond to my email, and now I am feeling more torn than before. Is it me, or is the email a bit cryptic in the sense that I can't figure out what to do.


Yes, he said if you are OK with the lining, then he is too. He would
probably recommend waiting but since this is equal to your best, he is
OK doing the transfer. Let's make sure it is still good on Wednesday.
I don't anticipate there will be a problem but want to be absolutely
certain. Let's keep the regroup scheduled and if you don't need to talk
to him, we can cancel it. Easier to cancel than add on...


So I ask you my wise friends, would you book a flight?

-R.

Support

Today A. told me how proud he was of me for not giving up. He told me that he admired my strength and admitted that many people would not have been able to keep going. This was the sweetest thing he has said to me IF related since we started our journey. It was unprompted, but totally appreciated. Of course, my friends Estrace and Vivelle, made it impossible for me to respond because of the sobs, but I think he knew how much this meant to me.

-R.

So F'ing Frustrated

Remember that cool and calm R from a few posts ago? She has left the building and little miss frustrated has replaced her. I am seriously quite stressed at the moment and the additional estrogen pumping throughout my body is not helping the situation. I feel like crying or screaming or both. I am just plain fed up.

I have been replaying my conversation with NN in my head all day. I really just don't get what a regroup will do. Back in May, I had a 45 minute conversation with the dr about my thin lining and his take on the situation. He told me in plain English that he thinks this is the best I am going to get and to transfer and hope for the best. He and the head sonographer explained that there are two components to a lining the thickness and the pattern. Ideally, you want to have it above 8 and a triple stripe, but they both believe that the pattern is more important the thickness. Ok, I have the pattern, score one for R. I am not looking for a miracle in regards to my lining, I am realistic and I am happy with my 6.6. I have emailed NN to get her take on the situation....again.

Here is what I wrote her:

Hi NN,

Would it be possible to show Dr Schoolcraft my latest results on Monday when he is back to get his thoughts on if I can transfer or not? It is not that I don't want to regroup with him, or don't trust your judgement, it is just that I had a long conversation with him in May about my lining and the pros and cons of transferring with a 6.5 and he (and I) was confident that that was the best I was going to get so I am not sure what is different this time around.

Also, I have started teaching at a new school this year and I need to inform them of my absence by Tuesday as we are closed for the rest of the week and then I would be leaving. As well, my sister in law is getting married and I have a commitment that I need to be home for and the flights are filling up as it is a long weekend in Canada. So as you can see, I have a lot of things on my mind and the high dose of Estrace is not helping my mood these days :).

Of course, I want to do whatever you and the dr feel will be best, but I am happy with my lining and would like to proceed with the transfer as scheduled. I would cancel if I thought that trying a different protocol would yield better results, but I know this to be untrue from my past attempts.

I am happy to keep my regroup appointment for Thursday if you think that there is new information that I need to consider, but again, I am happy with my 6.6 (and hopefully a bit higher by Friday when I would start the Endometrium).

Please let me know what you think about this plan.

Thanks,
R

I am just so fucking sick of all this waiting around and regrouping. I just need to get this transfer over with so I can move on one way or another. (Hopefully pregnant, but if not I will start actively looking for a GC.)

Thanks for listening to my vent. I will try and get back to my happy place once this issue is resolved.
-R.